


Tell Me What To Say

by LivefromG25, onlyastoryteller



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Armie was never married, Cyrano de Bergerac for the 21st Century but only sort of, Dancer!Timmy, He did go to a wedding once though, M/M, Online Dating, Post Covid-world, Timmy needs some help, or does he?, quarantine fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:47:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25345663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivefromG25/pseuds/LivefromG25, https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyastoryteller/pseuds/onlyastoryteller
Summary: Once upon a time, during COVID-19 lockdown, two writers reached out across the oceans and accidentally wrote a thing. Here is that thing.
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Comments: 684
Kudos: 515





	1. Chapter 1

[image text]

To: tchalamet 

From: no-reply@manhuntin.com 

Subject: Welcome to Manhuntin!

Timothée,

Welcome to the Manhuntin family! 

We are so pleased you’ve decided to take this very important step, and are positive your soulmate (or maybe just your mate-for-the-night) is out there waiting for you. 

For Premium Subscribers Only

Connection is so important. As we all emerge from our COVID-19 isolation, we might be a little rusty...and that’s where our premium package comes in. With your subscription, not only do you have access to every profile on our database, unlimited in-app messaging and voice-message capabilities, but you also get what so many need in this time: personal coaching.

Your coach is here for you from the very beginning up to the first date you schedule through your matches. Coaching includes:

  * Assistance setting up the perfect profile designed to attract the attention of the men you are most interested in meeting
  * One-on-one advice on in-app messaging to make and grow strong connections with your matches
  * Support and guidance as you prepare for your first date



So how does this work? Your first task is to fill out the introductory  survey . This survey will ask you basic questions about yourself and the type of match you’d like to make.

Next, your personally-assigned coach will review your survey responses and contact you. They will engage in real-time conversation as you set up your public profile, and then they’ll take it from there. You’ll be heading out for your first date in no time!

A Final Note

You’re ready for this. You’ve made the right choice. You’re about to meet your match.

Let’s get Manhuntin!

The Manhuntin Team

_ Putting the Men Back in Manhattan _

[/image text]

______________________________________________________

**From: Felicity (ManHunter)**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
**

Hey Armie!!  
  


Hope you’re good!!

I feel like I am sending you so many profiles lately - you’re clearing people off your table faster than I can supply them!! Great job!!

Your latest mission, if you choose to accept him…. (you don’t have a choice)

**Username: t_chalamet**

Survey response:

  1. How old are you? **24**
  2. How do you identify? **Cis Male**
  3. Sexual Orientation? **Gay**
  4. Have you ever used a dating app or website before? **No**
  5. If you haven’t, please let us know why. We’d like to ensure you feel safe, comfortable and confident in your Coach’s capable hands! **we've all seen the shows, thank you. also my looks? i seem to attract men i’m very much NOT interested in.**
  6. If you have, what other services have you used? **N/A**
  7. Have you paid for premium services before? Do you have any questions about the service you have signed up to? **no I haven’t. i’ve some questions regarding the vetting process. how can I be sure that who i’m paired up with isn’t a psycho? perhaps you can’t guarantee this.** **if they murder me, do you send someone in to delete my internet history? (i’m joking. i think.) my friend recommended this service so really all fault is with him, won't hold you liable.**
  8. Have you ever gone on a date with someone you met on a dating app or website? **No**
  9. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you met on a dating app or website? **no - not even too sure i’ve ever been in a relationship?**
  10. What is your primary reason for signing up to Manhuntin? **friend told me if i didn’t at least pretend to take an interest in my own love life after i could no longer use the COVID excuse, he would do it for me. between us, i think i trust a randomly assigned stranger on the internet more...  
** **no, sorry for seeming flippant, i would like to meet someone - i’m super nervous about this entire endeavor but i’m also really fucking lonely. wait, can i swear? is a real human person going to review this? if so, sorry i swore; the loneliness is - at the risk of going full Britney - killing me, though.**
  11. What are your top three favorite activities, hobbies or interests? Whilst we know opposites attract, sometimes they really don't, right? We’d like to get to know you a little better so we can put our matchmaking skills to good use! **dancin, listening to music, that's like a BIG ONE. some people don’t really like to have distraction but man, i need that all day every day so that’s non-negotiable. i like to read; autobiographies mainly, other people’s lives are fascinating. videogames but aware that kinda youths me out to say so if anyone asks i’ll swap it out for arthouse movies and be** ** _that_** **absolute douchebag.**
  12. Biggest turn off - and, before you race to tell us - we don’t mean sexually; That can be between you and your date! But anything we should know to avoid in your pairing? **wall st basic bore.**
  13. Finally, let us hear you say it again. Are you ready? **no, but imma go ahead and hit send cause i’m 24 and i’m wildin’.**



Let me know if you need my help with anything. I've opened access to all of the links for you:  
  


Send Welcome Email: t_chalamet  
View User Profile: t_chalamet  
View User Statistics: t_chalamet  
  


Good luck!! And see you for team drinks Friday? It's been ages since we’ve been blessed with your pretty face :) :)  
  
Flic x

The Manhuntin Team

_Putting the Men Back in Manhattan_


	2. The Meet Cute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **The Meet Cute**
> 
> _Every relationship begins with a first meeting, and this applies to the coaching relationship as well. First impressions count, so be sure to be friendly, open, and reassuring in your opening messages. Many of our clients may be frustrated by previous online dating experiences and/or embarrassed that they need help; your job is to counter those negative emotions with positivity and confidence._
> 
> _Your opening messages should also contain questions for the client, in which you focus on getting them to elaborate on key elements of their survey. Try to find the thing that is most important to them and use that conversation to help them create a profile that highlights those interests and needs._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know, sometimes when people are ~~typing~~... it's because they really don't know what to say... and other times it's because they know too well.
> 
> (PS. the IT Tech Team got onto us - going forward images will be followed by the corresponding text)

[image text]

**From: Armie (Snr Coach)**

**To: t_chalamet  
  
**

Hello, Timothée! I’m thrilled to have been assigned as your personal coach for your Manhuntin! I wanted to introduce myself and get the conversation started so that we can build a profile as interesting and desirable as you are! So get ready to jump back into that dating pool — the water’s great!  
  


**From: Armie (Snr Coach)**

**To: t_chalamet**

Sorry about the exclamation points. That’s a canned message that gets sent automatically when I open our comms. Here’s my real greeting;

So, hi. I’m Armie, and I’ll be your coach. Listen, I know that this process can be a little daunting, especially since we’ve all been out of practice for so long. You might be feeling like you’ve got no idea what to say to guys you meet. (After all, there’s only so many times people can answer the question, “what’s the first thing you did post-isolation?” am I right?) That’s why I’m here bothering you: to help make it all a little less daunting and a little more fun.  
  
To start off, tell me a little more about your relationship with music. It seems to be important to you, which makes it a great place to start. Any potential match should be drawn to that aspect of your personality, and we could make it a focal point of your profile. What kind of music do you like? Do you listen using headphones, or are you more of a “blast it on a speaker” sort of guy? Do you move with the music or is it more of a background element in your life? And is there any music you hate? 

**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

wow. our first conversation and already you're taking back the part where 'you' said i was interesting and desirable. this **is** just like real dating after all! 

[/image text]

**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
**sorry if i come across like a dick btw. i'm sure my joking isn't translatable. i've an unhealthy predisposition for treating strangers like best friends. maybe why I'm friend zoned so often?? (read: always)   
  
urgh maaan, you just hit me with my dream first date right off the bat with all the music questions tho. this service is worthwhile! so, umm yeah it's important to me. I don't _dislike_ any form, though jazz is probably my least favourite? it's got too much attitude for me, like it's telling me how to feel and not in the way of like a sonata or whatever, where you're being taken on a journey…. more like in the way of it being your older sister, driving the car 100% in the wrong direction even though you've told her she's going the wrong way. a musical kidnapping. you might get there in the end but, maaaan it was a fucked up ride.  
  
my fav is hip hop though, give me a sick beat any day of the week. cudi, ye, all of the 'baby's… and i'm both a headphones and speaker person. headphones if i'm alone usually, speakers if i'm around people and headphones would be rude. iv mild adhd (sexy, i kno) and having a focal point keeps me grounded?? 

  
  


**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

also, hi armie, nice to meet u. :)

[image text]

**_** Timmy; Armie (Snr Coach) would like to chat! **_ **

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Nice to meet you, too. Hey - I see you're online, want to talk here instead? Chatting is usually easier and faster — and more natural — than the direct messaging system. Just an FYI, if you see a star next to someone's name it means they’re currently active and, as a premium member, you're free to go ahead and request the chat. 

**_** Timmy has accepted the chat request **_ **

**Timmy**

hey :)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Hey, welcome to the chat interface. You’ll be able to use this to chat with your matches too, so if you’ve got questions about how it works, throw them out there as we go.  
  
Your jokes translate fine, by the way, and honestly, go ahead and treat me like your best friend. I _will_ be your best friend during this process. It’s nice that you’re not throwing walls up...it’s a fuck of a lot harder to help when someone is trying to present themselves as perfect rather than who they really are. (And I saw your question in your survey: yeah, you can swear, if that’s who you are. As long as you’re not too precious and offended if I do too.)

[/image text]

**Timmy**

with the greatest of respect, dude, please don't aim to emulate any of _my_ best friends… no way they’d be this forgiving with me. you've missed plenty of opportunities to bust my balls over my answers for a start. :) 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I’ll try harder in the future. ;) So asking about music is part of your dream first date, huh? I knew it was the right angle to play. (I’m with you on jazz, for what it’s worth. Every once in a while I can go for something classic, or something from New Orleans, but I’ve got to really be in the mood for it.) So it sounds like you’ve got a clear music personality, and you should feature that in your profile. I’d recommend a sideways reference or two rather than a head-on mention...you’ll attract the people who “get it,” and make them feel special, like you’re talking to them.  
  
So headphones when alone, speakers around people? That tells me you like to surround yourself with the music and really zone in sometimes, but also that you’re considerate, and want people to know you’re paying attention to them. And you’re self aware. All positive qualities, you’re going to do fine. 

**Timmy**

youre good at this :)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

By the way, you registered as Timothée, but you’ve put Timmy in as your chat name. Is that what you want to be called? (And is Timothée a French name? Do you speak French?)

**Timmy**

oui  
  
thats also the nicest way anyones ever asked me what i prefer to be called. def better than the way any of my friends would ask, so… 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Oh really? In that case, how’s this: Good thing you switched to Timmy; what kind of pretentious asshole has an accent in their name?

(Kidding. I probably shouldn’t have said that.)

**Timmy**

your name is armie, i think that gets you a free pass or two. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

My full name is Armand. So Armie is the lesser of two evils, if we’re talking about pretentious. Take your shot at that, it’s an easier target.

**Timmy**

armand… is that even a real name?   
  
you’re right though - pretension level high so timmy is fine. fuck i should update it on my profile too, right?   
  
and a sideways reference to music… have any examples? tell me what to say. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Well, for example, you could use lyrics in your answers to a question or two, and you’ll hook the ones you want. 

**Timmy**

in the end, they’ll judge me anyway, so whatever.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Stay afloat, the key is hope. 

**Timmy**

armiiiiiiiieeeee. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Haha.   
  
Now that we’ve figured out the secret to your heart is music, let’s talk photos. Once we’ve chosen the photos, we can build out the rest of your profile from there. Can you upload a handful and we can talk about which to feature? Ideally you want at least one good photo of just you looking at the camera, one that’s a little more candid of just you doing some activity, and a couple with friends/family (as long as they aren’t better looking than you).  
  
(Kidding.)

**Timmy**

i have it on good authority that i _am_ the best looking boy in my family.   
  
may also be the _only_ boy in my family but that is neither here nor there.   
  
ok, i just uploaded some pics there per your instructions. firstly i have no idea what appeals to people so let me know if any are douchey as fuck. secondly, im aware how i look but, um…. how to put this delicately…

**Armie - Snr Coach**

No need to be delicate, just ask. I’m your best friend, remember? Hang on, I’m going to pull up your photos. They’re taking a minute to load.

**Timmy**

...the profile doesn’t ask for position preference. calling on your expertise here :) can you let me know if any of my pics are in any way indicative?  
  
coz i don’t bottom. ever. non-negotiable. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Never? Have you ever tried it?  
  
(If that’s too personal, feel free to tell me to fuck off. It’s not technically necessary for me to help you.)

**Timmy**

never. and since it isnt a question on the profile im not sure if we can avoid incompatible matching?? but maybe choosing photos that don’t highlight my femme side or penchant for lip gloss (healthy lips are important!) might be a decent start?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

No, it’s not a question, precisely, but there are ways to address it. If you want to include a mention in your profile, we can. Or you can work it into your initial conversation with potential matches to weed out the ones who wouldn’t be a good fit. Or you could take a more subtle approach and put in a line like “looks can be deceiving” and drop another hint that you’re a top.

**Timmy**

in your experience, what is the best way? maybe i am over thinking it. here assuming anyone is actually… anyway. nvm. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Out of curiosity — and again, feel free to tell me to fuck off — what’s your issue with it if you’ve never tried it?

**Timmy**

ive also never eaten street meat, but i know i wont be doing _that_ in this lifetime either.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Oh, no way. Nuh uh. Street meat is the best. You haven’t lived, man.

**Timmy**

oh, huh, wouldnt have pegged someone with armand as a name to be out there wildin on the streets

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Who was it who was just talking about being pre-judged, about people making assumptions...I swear to god I heard someone...Oh, it was you. I’ll have you know I’m a proud connoisseur of all things meat, and that includes the “street” variety. You do you, but if you want to branch out sometime I can point you towards the right corners.  
  
In both ways.

**Timmy**

i think im good tho. fr. but thanks.   
  
theres also no way to sound less like a cock here but - did my pictures load yet? just so i know if i need to switch any out. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I’m looking at your photos now…

**Timmy**

oh great - dot dot dot, every mans favorite response to his face.

_~~Armie (Snr Coach) is typing~~_

**Timmy**

dude… u writing a thesis on how bad i am at choosing photos or…?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

So I don’t know how to say this without coming across as a royal creep.  
  
But trust me when I tell you you’re not going to have any issues getting matches.  
  
Tell me about the bracelets.

**Timmy**

my bracelets?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

In the photo of you in the white tee. You just like them? The look, the feel? Do they have meaning?

**Timmy**

oh.yeah. lowkey forgot i sent that one. um, i always wear bracelets when i travel. most have come from my friends or family so it’s kinda my way of taking them with me. incase anything happens?   
  
which makes no sense now im typing it ‘out loud’.  
  
as i mentioned before, ive mild adhd and a solid dose of general wtf-anxiety when flying, so they're also another kind of… aid, of sorts? gives me something to occupy my hands with.   
  
something suitable for the public, at least.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Well, whatever their purpose, they suit you. And I get it. I’m not an anxious flyer myself, but having something to fidget with, especially around your wrist, can be an anchor.  
  
Though now you have me curious about what _isn’t_ suitable for the public.  
  
Wait, don’t answer that. Forget I said it.

**Timmy**

hahaha

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Who’s that with you in that photo of you in the shorts? With the smiley stickers over their faces?

**Timmy**

you mean you can’t see the family resemblance from my amazing choice of emojis?  
  
that is a pic of me and the girls of my life; my gran, my mom and my sister.  
  
or, as my sister kindly dubs it: a picture of her and the girls of her life. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Lol  
  
  
Okay, so here’s what I think. I like the photo of you in the denim jacket, with the peace sign obscuring your face, as your profile. And no, before you ask, there’s nothing wrong with your face. It’s a good photo, you can see you’re good-looking, but it will make users click through to see the rest of the photos, hoping for a better look. 

**Timmy**

unfortunate. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

What’s unfortunate?

**Timmy**

sellin them short like that. playin em gooood. :) but no, im down.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Stop. You know you’re hot. I can see it in the photos. Confidence is attractive.

**Timmy**

im from a family of artists. that's not confidence, that's just trying to get someone to notice you for once :) (im saying this lightly don't worry i dont have some kind of self hatred streak goin on.)  
  
you really are good at this, btw. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Now I’m blushing.

**Timmy**

my friend is gonna be legit so proud of me i held convo this long. can we pretend i didnt pay for this service? cool.   
  
ok so i answered those questions while you were rewriting war and peace about the threads on my wrist. is that me done now? 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Let me look over what you wrote.  
  
  
So this is pretty good. “Kid Cudi Hype Man”? Love it. What do you really do for a living?

**Timmy**

is that not self explanatory? that *is* what i actually do?  
  
jk jk  
  
didnt wanna bore people with my sob story of finally making it off broadway because it's still a touchy subject. so since i was dropped from those dizzying heights (before it even really began, thanks COVID) ive been part time videogame tester (legit, not just an excuse to my mom to leave me alone for hours) and part time music producer. and full time stoner. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Off Broadway? Woah. Are you an actor?

**Timmy**

dancer. officially. or, i was. hah.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Dude, you said in your survey that you like autobiographies because other people’s lives are fascinating. But you’re...definitely an interesting guy. If I were swiping through, I’d stop on you and probably send a flag.

**Timmy**

i appreciate the hypothetical flag. thanks armie. :)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Also, I think what you were worried about before — the thing about your preferred position, and the photos attracting the wrong sort — I actually think what you’ve got here is more likely to attract a vers than a strict top. Is vers a problem for you?

**Timmy**

not a problem but dont think its fair? as a top, figure i could only keep a vers happy for so long. eventually they’re not going to be getting what they need and what then? y’kno?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

That’s true, it could become a deal-breaker eventually.

**Timmy**

but as far as this app goes and matching with people, its no harm i guess. good to know the pictures will work - tried to pick the most … what, _macho_ lol… ones. as i said - dancer, you can imagine there are plenty that have considerably more lycra involvement. 

_~~Armie (Snr Coach) is typing~~_

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Save those for after you start your initial conversations or your potential matches will be DOA.  
  
Well, everything looks great. I think you’re ready to publish. Are you ready to publish?

**Timmy**

fuck it. I think so.  
  
oh! wait, wait. 

_  
~~Timmy is typing~~  
  
_

remind me, uh, what i’ve paid for - what happens next? you’re not gonna just… set me loose now, right?   
  
  
because if so, im not ready. 

  
i dont think.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

No, I’m not going to disappear into the ether, don’t worry. You’ll publish, and then when you get a match you’re interested in pursuing, hit me up here. I’ll take a look and help you through your first conversations all the way up to the first date you go on. 

  
After that, you should be good on your own. It just takes a little practice.

**Timmy**

thank fuck  
  
why is this so daunting? please tell me this happens to everyone on here? fuck.  
  
oh I guess it must. otherwise you’d have noone to coach. that makes me feel less of an actual loser. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

It happens to everyone. It’s why we developed the app in the first place, because we knew people would be freaking about how to interact with people again after so long in isolation. You’re definitely not a loser.

**Timmy**

wanna know a secret?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I want to know your secret if you want to tell me. I promise I won’t tell any of your matches…unless they pay me enough cash.  
  
(Kidding.)

**Timmy**

lol  
  
my friends think im using this cos of the isolation but… dude, i…  
  
lets just say the isolation didn’t put a dampener on an otherwise super active love life. 

i _may_ have made up a conquest or nineteen to keep people off my back. 

so this… this feels a lot. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

We’ve all done that. Made up a conquest or nineteen, to keep our well-meaning friends and family from poking at us too much.   
  
You said in your survey that you’re lonely, but you should know, Timmy...you aren’t alone. Not in feeling that way, and not in wanting to change things.   
  
And that’s why I’m here, after all. If we were in the same room, I’d give you a hug. But you’ll have to settle for a “chin up, man” and a “it’ll work out for you.” I’ll make sure of it.

**Timmy**

i feel like someone wouldn't tell the truth about being called armand just to lie to me now so… thank you, man. sincerely.   
  
guess it takes the planet to almost self implode for me to make moves but hey, whatever works, right?  
  
chin is up. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Then I’m afraid…  
  
That it’s time…  
  
Time to hit “submit.” You can do it. Think of all the men out there whose night will be fucking made.

**Timmy**

shame you dont have a bio  
  
you could change it to timmys hype man  
  
:)  
  
fuck. ok. its done.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

“Timmy’s Hype Man,” a title I’ll wear with honor. And yeeeeeeaaaaaah. I knew you could do it. 

  
All you have to do now is take a few deep breaths, step away from the computer (or phone, I don’t know what you’re working with), and wait for the matches to roll in.

**Timmy**

you make it sound so easy dude.  
  
that laissez-faire street meat eatin personality trait of yours coming to the fore

**Armie - Snr Coach**

With a name like Timothée, I bet you pronounce “laissez-faire” perfectly.

**Timmy**

it's all in the tongue… 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

The tongue, hmmm?

  
But if I were to give you one final piece of advice for the night, I’d say...it’s usually a good idea to not take life, and yourself, seriously all the time. Sometimes you have to, but if you can find a way to sit back and enjoy the ride, you’d be surprised how easy things begin to feel.

**Timmy**

truly spoken like someone who would pronounce it “lah-zay fair” tbqh??   
  
no genuinely, thanks man, seriously. you made this entirely painless and i feel like lucky or something that you weren’t a total asshole. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I’m glad it’s been a good experience so far. And actually…

 _~~Armie (Snr Coach) is typing~~_  
  
Don’t report this to my bosses but sometimes I have to deal with real assholes too. I’m glad you’re not one, and I’ve enjoyed talking to you.

**Timmy**

then i guess peace out brother - hit you back when we at the next stage. fuuuuck. :D :D :D

**_** Timmy has left the chat session **_ **


	3. Match Panic — It’s a Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Inevitably, when the matches start rolling in (because you did such a great job helping set up a fantastic profile, of course), the client is likely to experience some amount of panic. So, how can you manage their panic?_
> 
> _Developing trust with your client is critical at this stage. You need to feel like a confidante, someone who knows them and believes in them. When giving advice, don’t be judgmental, but gently steer them towards answers that will work for them. It’s vital to keep the focus on the matches and moving forward._

[image text]

**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
** so may have accidentally gone back into isolation for four days. psyched myself out at the idea of matching with someone. and at the idea of *not* matching with someone. i'mma mess. 

**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
** fuck. dude. it's showing me 92 flags. that's… wrong, right? holy fuck. 

[/image text]

**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
** this could take a while. mid hyperventilation. is this normal? 

**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
** flagged one guy back from the first 30. dunno if find him in any way attractive or if just shallow cos his profile was a pic of him and cudi. 

**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
** weird confession? feel like i know which of these so far you were assigned to. could be mistaken but some of these dudes have lahzay fair written all over them. 

  


[image text]

**_** Timmy; Armie (Snr Coach) would like to chat! **_  
  
**

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Hey man. First off, are you breathing?

**_** Timmy has accepted the chat request. **_ **

**Timmy**

yo.  
  
i may be a dancer not an actor but it is not due to my lack of flair for the dramatic. :)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

So no actual hyperventilation. Good news.  
  
92 flags! Did I tell you or did I tell you that you weren’t going to have a problem? Anyone besides the Cudi pic-dropper catch your attention?

**Timmy**

i didnt look at anyone else; clearly he is my destiny.  
  
jk  
  
narrowed it down to 5 which ratio wise makes me think i really _am_ a shallow douchebag orrrr your website has attracted only the bottom % of the NYC elite.  
  
they all have plus points i guess?? 

  
[/image text]  
  


**Armie - Snr Coach**

Okay, ouch. Dissing on the website that’s keeping me employed, OR my skills in building a profile to attract the top %, I don’t know.

**Timmy**

no no shit sorry m’only messin dude. sorry. sorry.   
  
please stay and help me.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry. Is this self-deprecation thing, like, your schtick? Or is it a real confidence issue? Because I can blow smoke up your ass a bit if that would help ;)

**Timmy**

that sounds like a skill i should have on my profile…  
  
urgh, full disclosure?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Sure.

**Timmy**

im a livin contradiction.   
  
on the one hand, i expect to end up - one day - with someone… amazing. right? I know, we all do but… i also want them to be amazing looking. cos im sickeningly shallow like that.   
  
but then… i hate when people appreciate _my_ looks. so i guess ive gotten used to like… whatever’in my way out of it? even the idea that half these guys probably didnt like me cos of anything in my profile and hundred percent liked me cos of my face is probably why my success at matching with anyone is probably way below the average.  
  
basically im trying to say its 100% me and 0% you or your skills and im sorry if you get commission on your match rate cos i probably straight fucked it up. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I’m glad you know you’re hot.  
  
But...okay, storytime. You know this app is new-ish, right? Launched right before the end of isolation, so I’ve been doing this for a couple of months. I’m not supposed to talk about other clients, so don’t tell anyone, but I had this one guy. He was pretty much the opposite of you. 100% only into looks. And he had an overinflated sense of his own attractiveness. He was okay, but nothing that would stop traffic.   
  
He drove me crazy. No one was hot enough. At least none of the people who were interested in him.  
  
But, dude...I found _that_ guy a match. Got him out on a date. He may have tanked it because he was such an asshole, but not my problem.  
  
So don’t worry about my success rate, is what I’m saying. We’ll find your guy. Or at least a guy, someone to get you started. 

**Timmy**

haha. how long did it take you?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

A few weeks. A few long, long, annoying weeks.  
  
Not that you should feel rushed. Shit, I shouldn’t have made it sound like we were on a timeline, because we’re not. If it takes a while, it takes a while. It’s not like talking to you is a chore the way it was with that asshole.  
  
So on that note…  
  
Tell me about the five you sort of guess might be okay. What caught your eye besides the Cudi photo? Was it photos? Occupations? Interests? Way of speaking?

**Timmy**

s’ok man, i dont wanna be annoying you for long just as much as you don’t wanna keep a client on the books forever. :) :)  
  
well u kno already about the cudi guy - kinda feel like i could get through a whole date with him just by asking questions???

then there was a guy who wasn't great looking but i genuinely, no cap, lol’d at some of his profile answers. 

another dude i matched with cos his photos were taken at a knicks game. games, actually. figure he’d be a nice shout to get out of the house with. 

um the other two… as cringe as i feel sayin this, they just both looked like decent lays? not overly invested in them, i guess…?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Okay, so — common interest, complementary sense of humor, shared activity, and...just plain liked the package. Not a bad assortment of reasons to start with.

That’s what the initial conversations are for, to see if there’s anything there past those first impressions. We can talk to all of them, if you want, or start with one or two.   
  
Let’s do this. Which one do you think you’d most enjoy spending a night out with? In terms of actually having a good time, based on what drew you in?

**Timmy**

maybe the funny guy? figure for a first date (if he’s into it) it would be better to have someone who can make me laugh and relax than someone i’d wanna fuck - and no doubt end up nervous or awkward around or… find out theyre dumb as a box of rocks.   
  
not that people cant be both top tier attractive and funny. but. we all know its rare.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

So that would make you one of the top what...half percent of eligible guys out there?  
  
;)

**Timmy**

charmer. :) clearly youve a way with words, lets try this thing. what do i do first? tell me what to say. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Since you were drawn to him because of the way he answered the questions and his sense of humor, your first message to him should reference something he said and make a joke — a softball, safe joke — back. Show him why you picked him without saying it outright. Then ask a question to learn more.  
  
That’s a good rule of thumb, by the way. Comment on something and then ask a question. Or, if they’ve asked you a question, comment on something, answer their question, and then ask one of your own. People like to talk about themselves, it’ll make him feel like he’s having a good time.

**Timmy**

good advice.ok, he made a joke about this really obscure show on netflix, i dunno if most people would get it because the shows both lame and subtitled. worst combo for a binge watcher.  
  
unless *im* your target audience.   
  
well, me and this dude. then you're winning.   
  
do you enjoy binge watching shit shows too or are your tastes more refined?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Nice. Exactly like that.  
  
Oh, wait, was that a question for me?

**Timmy**

yes :)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Well, the first thing I watched in isolation was _Tiger King._ But I can’t really use isolation as an excuse because I had binged _The Circle_ and _Love Is Blind_ just before the lockdown. You can make your judgment about me based on that.

**Timmy**

if it takes the pressure off, i can pretend that you watched love is blind for competition purpose?  
  
real talk tho, do you believe you can find love that way? should i have been putting a glass to my neighbours wall the past few months, sparked up a convo? would i have found the one by now? (or at least be getting regular prison sex?)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

As far as your proposal of stalking your neighbors to find a soulmate, that depends. If your neighbors are around your age, attractive, and gay, it might have worked. If, on the other hand, your neighbors are — like mine — couples and older folk with a lot of money and an overinflated sense of entitlement, then yeah the prison sex would have been your best-case scenario.

**Timmy**

hahaha

**Armie - Snr Coach**

For real, though, I do think you can develop actual feelings for someone based on conversation alone. It’s funny, because our model here is to push for an in-person meeting as soon as possible for our clients. That’s based on research that shows that people who get stuck in long, drawn out online conversations don’t end up matching as well as the ones who go out on a lot of actual dates. Maybe because they get caught up in the romance of the correspondence and chicken out when it comes to meeting, or maybe it’s because they end up talking to fewer people overall, I’m not sure.  
  
But personally, I think deep conversation is where the real connection is. 

**Timmy**

but these guys were throwing out i love yous a week in an when it came to the real world it all fell apart… so was it even love??   
  
maybe you guys have hit on the right balance here or something to get people into the real world asap. its way easier to let down your guard with someone online. because… it doesn't matter, right? like the worst they can do is ghost you and… well… if you close your laptop they were never there anyway?   
  
actually. not sure i even agree with myself - sorry - feelin defensive for reasons im unsure. :) ignore me. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Oh, for sure that show was on crack. It takes more than a few blind conversations to fall in love. I think there may have been a chance for success (for anyone besides that one couple who was perfect, fight me on it) if it wasn’t so truncated. Like, if they had gone from blind conversations to dates and then moved on from there over a longer period of time.   
  
But then...the show wouldn’t have its gimmick. And we wouldn’t have been able to watch transfixed with drool leaking out the sides of our mouths.

**Timmy**

attractive ;)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I agree with you, by the way, sort of half of what you said. It’s easier to let our guards down online, but not because it doesn’t matter. I think it’s because it does matter, but when you’re not sitting across from someone, or even listening to the tone of their voice over the phone, it’s easier to pretend it doesn’t, or that rejection wasn’t about you, or that you’re just not good at this _thing_ rather than that you’re not good enough full stop.

**Timmy**

maybe thats what i was trying to work out; if its just easier to dodge responsibility that makes it what it is. theres no mirror with online communication, you can choose not to see how you’ve hurt or used someone or led them on. but same token you can’t gauge interest without going deep? you kinda have to go balls to the wall just to know you’re both ‘in it’? man, this is … probably not the time to psyche myself back out. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I think that’s the way this whole process works, though. You have to put yourself out there in order to make the connection. And it’s scary and risky and you might get burned, but there’s no other way, whether it’s online or in person, you know?

**Timmy**

yeah...

**Armie - Snr Coach**

But let’s definitely not psyche you out. Back on track then...your match! Your hilarious, probably a nice guy match.  
  
What’s the lame subtitled show you both watched, by the way? I might have to check it out.

**Timmy**

oh sorry - it’s la casa de las flores. i kinda said lame but really meant my guiltiest pleasure? 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Excuse you. Casa de Las Flores is neither lame nor obscure.

**Timmy**

you know it??????

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I threw myself a party when Season 3 dropped.

**Timmy**

sick hahaha.   
  
the match guy made a joke about paulina and i near lost my shit. had me sold - hes practically perfect haha. oh speakin of perfect, what couple in ‘love is blind’? cos i dont remember thinkin any were v well suited…?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Cameron and Lauren. Obviously. There is no other answer. If you say anything bad about them I’m walking.

**Timmy**

dude, put ur shoes on then cos since you called us best friends on more than one occasion i feel i am well within rights to say you’re TRIPPIN if you think they make any sense in this world. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Nope. Not entertaining any criticism. They were made for each other. He wanted someone to lavish attention on, and she wanted to be lavished. On. However you say it the other way. Perfect for each other, both the right amount of bland and accepting.

**Timmy**

all im hearin is that your coaching style consists of findin me a match who will play into my delusions. good to know, armand. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Whatever works. If they’ve got the jagged edges that fit perfectly into your jagged edges...then that’s a match. Though maybe they’ll show you your delusions aren’t delusions after all.  
  
Speaking of, we should focus. So this guy made a joke about Paulina. Good sign. Can you respond with a complementary joke?

**Timmy**

i spend my evenings perfecting my slow spanish, whaddya think?  
  
k so i hit a joke back, then… intro myself? maybe not, hes seen it all. chat shit about las flores a minute and then ask questions, right? Tell me.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I think opening with the joke, and then mentioning that the reference to the show is what caught your eye and why. Like, you could say something close to what you said to me above: “I didn’t know there was anyone else out there who binge-watched shit shows with subtitles. Actually, I take it back, CDLF is not a shit show it’s brilliant.” But in Timmy-speak. (And don’t forget to ask a question, move the conversation forward.)

**Timmy**

on it  
  
please use my typing time wisely to think about your opinions on l&c and how you might consider changing them.   
  
brb

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Waiting. And chopping an onion. And sticking to my convictions.

**Timmy**

chopping an onion to mask the tears of your grave mistakes, or…?  
  
(sent. freak out imminent)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Deep breaths. The worst that happens is he doesn’t respond and we move on to the next one. Or he responds and is lame, and we move on to the next one.   
  
I mean, I suppose the worst that happens is he turns out to be a serial killer, we can’t vouch for that.  
  
(Kidding)

**Timmy**

OH HE WAITS FOR ME TO SEND IT FIRST BEFORE BRINGING THAT OPTION TO THE TABLE  
  
maybe YOURE the psycho.

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Could be. I do have a particular interest in butchery and meat.

**Timmy**

dare i ask?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

I like the art of butchery, and I like meat ;) You knew the last part already…

**Timmy**

do you… like… _combine_ these two interests??  
  
(cue nervous laugh, youre starting to scare me)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Would it be more or less scary if I didn’t combine them? My summer bbqs are legendary. Or...they were, before isolation.  
  
(I’m not really scaring you, right? I swear I’m not a psycho.)

**Timmy  
  
** no?  
  
maybe?  
  
no.

but you make it sound like your summer bbqs are legendary yet noone lives to tell the tale.  
  
i can promise you, there is no point carving me up, im all sinewy and chewy. wouldnt be very tasty. 

well, i mean, aside from the …  
  
never mind ;)

**Armie - Snr Coach**

ANYWAY  
  
Your funny match. Is he online right now? Is there a little star?

**Timmy**

no no star.   
  
omg - wait have i been duped… does this guy have a life????

**Armie - Snr Coach**

So, since he’s not online, we wait for him to respond. Unless you’ve got more questions right now, I’m going to jump off and finish making this chili. Feel free to ping me when you hear back, and if I’m around we can go back in.   
  
And if you don’t hear back by this time tomorrow, let’s chat again and pick another prospect, in case he’s slow to respond. Deal?

**Timmy**

shit, wait are you not like “at work” right now?? have i - and my desperate love life - been keeping you from an otherwise enjoyable evening?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Ha. I’m always “at work.”   
  
You’re good. If I’m ever busy, I just wont respond right away, so seriously, no worries.   
  
Also, who exactly is saying this hasn’t been enjoyable? Not me.

**Timmy**

well i appreciate your time man, serious. couldnt do this without you.  
  
literally - it wasn’t an option with the package.  
  
:p

**Armie - Snr Coach**

My time is your time until we get you matched and on that date.   
  
So, check in tomorrow evening, yeah? I’ll probably be making lasagna. Bring wine. ;)

**Timmy**

enough bad choices and i might get to see your full menu!  
  
cool, man, check in tomorrow. enjoy that chili and take a moment to think about those less fortunate than yourself - those still stuck on a diet of rice, chicken, broccoli, rice, chicken, broccoli, rice, chicken, broccoli…. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Have a good night, Timmy. 

**_** Armie (Snr Coach) has left the chat session. **_ **


	4. Don't Rush It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Make sure you let the client set the pace. A well-placed nudge or reminder is a good thing, but some clients need to move at their own speed, and too much pushing from the coach can be a turn-off._

****

**From: t_chalamet  
****To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
**yo dude. no response from las flores guy but i kinda checked in now and then  
  
in a really cool and not at all desperate way  
  
and he wasn't online any time… guess he hasn't seen msg.  
  
  
**From: t_chalamet  
****To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
**dnt wanna take up more of ur time so enjoy dat lasagne and ill hit u up if i hear anything. have a good night armie :)   
  
  
  
**From: Armie (Snr Coach)  
****To: t_chalamet  
**He might be doing what you did...hiding out from the app because he’s nervous you won’t like him. Just imagine him hoping you’ll respond but being too afraid to check.  
  
You sure you don’t want to chat? I’m around, and my lasagna is in the oven so I’ve got time for you. We could look at the other potentials, try another. Strategize about your next steps. Or if you’re not getting the type of interest you want, we can talk about adjusting your profile.  
  
I’m going to open this bottle of chianti and hang out, so just let me know.


	5. Keep It Professional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Remember to always keep the relationship professional. There’s nothing wrong with sharing small bits of personal information to help relate to your client, but be careful not to over share...or over ask._

**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

hey armie, hows it goin man? 

Hope your lasagne (not lasagna - unless you weren't v hungry) complimented that chianti well last night!   
  


**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

las flores got back to me, he didn’t seem to get my joke but maybe i was a bit too… anyway, maybe it wasn’t actually funny to anyone else. least he replied.   
  


**From: t_chalamet**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

he seems eager to go out anyway, guess not much of an online talker?? he already suggested this weekend. what now, do i play it cool or…? 

back in the real world 

(when i used to have balls & _no_ t require virtual assistance) 

i’d kinda be _busy_ the first time they’d suggest a meet up but… not sure if thats what the goal is anymore

clearly im painfully _available_ or i wouldnt be signed up here???

help :) tell me what to say.

**From: Armie (Snr Coach)**

**To: t_chalamet**

So good news, for the most part: he responded, and he liked what you said well enough to want to meet. Maybe he got the joke but isn’t sure how to respond back in the same way. He might not have someone by his side the way you do, so don’t write him off just yet.

What you do next depends on you. If you are feeling like you’d like to meet this guy, then don’t worry about looking eager. He suggested the meeting, so you can accept without looking too “available.” If you want to exchange another couple of messages with him, or chat with him first, then instead of outright saying sure, you could ask more about when, or where he’d like to meet, etc. to give you a chance to have more conversation.

If you’re not feeling it, we can pick another possible and pursue that instead. You did pay for the full premium service, after all, you might as well take full advantage of me while I’m yours.

Also, Timmy, if I’m online you don’t need to send me a message first. If you see the little star, go ahead and ask for the chat directly. I promise I won’t roll my eyes and heave a huge sigh when I see the request.

I *might* roll my eyes at you insisting on spelling it “lasagne” however.

Your move, tiny dancer.

  
[image text]

_**** Armie (Snr Coach); Timmy would like to chat! **** _

**Timmy**

tiny daaaancer, omg wow, what a unique nickname noone has ever bestowed upon me before! so original!

_  
**** Armie (Snr Coach) has accepted the chat request. **** _

**  
Timmy**

(regretting givin me licence to chat now, aren’t you? :p)

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Shall I call you chicken and rice instead? Since that’s all you apparently eat, you must be made of it by now.

**  
Timmy**

timmy chickenrice chalamet, thats my full name. 

so, whats on the menu tonight, chef?

[/image text]

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Leftovers. I’ve got enough chili and lasagnA to last me for a week and a half.

Do you really only eat chicken, rice, and broccoli? Is this a weird food thing, or an allergy thing, or a that’s-all-I-can-cook thing?

**  
Timmy**

its pretty much all i can have when im training? and cos i’m a lazy fuck, i don’t bother amending it when im not. its restrictive but i’d rather that than go repeated cold turkey (lol) from bagels.

mmm bagels. remember those. rip. bless up.

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

I had a bagel this morning. With egg and cheese and sausage.

**  
Timmy**

this another of your careers? part time coach, part time chef, occasional sadist?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

I could add part time dietician to the resume. You could be my first client.

So tell me about this guy’s response. How do you feel about him?

**  
Timmy**

i refuse to be your client - rice, pasta, bagels - they’d have to hoist me around the stage in no time. 

so i was thinkin when reading your last message… you're right, i don't think i need to play it cool. maybe if i do, ill lose interest. or he will. so i should just strike while the irons hot? (thats a saying right? feels like i'm channelling my mom) 

and if we run out of convo before the date even happens that would be awkward so maybe going into it having literally just covered the basics and planned the logistics might be the best thing???

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

For what it’s worth, I have literally no idea what “strike while the iron is hot” means. I know what it _means_ , but I don’t know where it came from or _why_ it means that.

So if you want to meet up with him, what did he suggest? Did he just say “this weekend,” or did he suggest a plan?

**  
Timmy**

he said - and i quote - ‘hi timmy thanks for the message. what are your plans for this weekend? if you’re free, be great to arrange something?’

so i guess its on me to at least suggest something?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Man of few words.

Unlike some people I know.

(Kidding.)

**  
Timmy**

… thin ice armand.

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

No, seriously, never stop rambling. It’s part of your charm.

**  
Timmy**

is it weird that you finding me charming feels the same as when a teacher gave me an a plus on a paper? 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Not weird. Although I don’t remember grading on a curve, so that “plus” might just be a stray pencil mark. ;)

(Kidding.)

As far as the date goes, it’s good that he’s leaving it open for you. One of the classic strategies is to meet for drinks/coffee, because if you do and it’s no good, it’s just a drink. If it’s good, you can extend into a meal. An alternative strategy is to suggest dinner off the bat, because that way you’re giving the date more of a chance. It can be awkward at first, but if you’re “stuck” for a meal, it gives both parties time to relax.

By the way, it refers to blacksmithing. And anvils and hammers. The hot iron thing.

**  
Timmy**

did you-... did you actually go and look that up???

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Of course not, only a complete nerd would do such a thing.

(Guilty as charged.)

**Timmy**

thats cute

back to my date tho… in theory i enjoy both strategies. but drinks might win out.

mainly cos a gin n slimline is only vaguely embarrassing on a first date

(me and my gran sharing the same order over here)

but a wholeass dinner where im working out how to stay in calorie deficit? thats just asking for mortification and a swift cab ride home. 

_  
**** Armie -Snr Coach has sent a photo. **** _

_**** _

**Armie - Snr Coach**

My drink tonight.

**  
Timmy**

well if it isn’t roughly 129 kcal, 32.3g carby goodness right there <3

you’re in danger of being as perfect as i am, armie. be careful. 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

(Guilty as charged.)

Okay, so you want to suggest drinks. Go ahead and message him back, tell him you’re free Saturday night (or whatever night/afternoon/whatever), and suggest drinks. You may want to suggest a location as well to speed things up, but also tell him that if it’s inconvenient for him you’re flexible on the place. (Unless you aren’t.)

**  
Timmy**

my flexibility is world renowned.

okay. 

_  
**~~ Armie - Snr Coach is typing ~~** _

**  
Timmy**

so i did as you said, kept it all kinda open but told him my preference would be friday  
(waste of a good weekend if it goes to shit on the saturday, imo)  
said im good for anywhere. didnt get sketch vibes from his photos or messages, trust he'll pick somewhere decent.

that said, been a struggling artiste for many years, you wouldn't believe the shitholes ive been in just for those cheap shots, so y'kno, 'm easy.

_  
**~~ Armie - Snr Coach is typing ~~** _

**_  
~~ Armie - Snr Coach is typing ~~_ **

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Great! So now you wait for him to pick a place and a time and let you know. Since Friday is only a couple of days from now, he’ll probably respond soon. When he does, and things are set up, go ahead and ping me and we can talk about the date itself.

**  
Timmy**

sounds like a plan :)

ive an important question though. 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Ask away, chickenrice.

**  
Timmy**

the last first date you went on? what did you wear?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

God, I barely remember. Probably a sweater and jeans. I don’t have a first date outfit, but if I had to guess it was probably this blue and brown sort of argyle or plaid sweater I like. And either regular denim or...maybe my brown ones. 

It’s been a while, though, so don’t quote me on it. You planning your outfit already? 

**Timmy**

…

invoking best friend clause?

trust ill _never_ quote you on that. the day i write ‘blue and brown sort of argyle or plaid’ with any serious intent is the day i'll take myself off this planet. 

;)

glad i asked. needed to understand the limitations i was facing when it came to helping me with my outfit. i see i'll be a lone wolf on this one. 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Hold please.

_  
**** Armie - Snr Coach has sent a photo. **** _

_**** _

**Armie - Snr Coach**

This is the sweater. How would you describe it?

_  
**~~ Timmy is typing ~~** _

**  
Timmy**

that you?? or have you catfished someone else you coach with the same sense of fashion? 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

That’s me. Unless that disturbs you, in which case I totally grabbed that from online somewhere.

**  
Timmy**

hmm, then okay, how would I describe it??? 

‘hey guys, welcome to my youtube channel. in todays video i would like to discuss exhibit a in the case of “men: when a good body will make up for almost anything”’

something casual like that.

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Armie has left the chat.

**  
Timmy**

you forgot "(kidding)"

but nah, deadass im sorry  
  
i shouldn’t have mocked your fashion choices. it was rude, uncalled for and clearly entirely unnecessary since you have such an enviable hanger on which to showcase it. 

there's likely a shortage of sweaters in the world that could contain such a specimen. you’ve probably only few choices. forgive me. 

_  
**~~ Armie - Snr Coach is typing ~~** _

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Maybe when this is all over I can hire you to teach me about fashion. I will say it’s hard to find things that fit. I either have to go custom, which is $$$, or take what I can get.

(And no worries, just keep talking about my excellent physique, which I work very hard for, and you can make fun of my threads all you want.)

**  
Timmy**

lemme just quickly amend my occupation and switch out cudi for you and we all g.

you look tall too. jesus, the gays of nyc must flock around u. 

or wait, maybe you’re straight. sorry.

...the _"fashion"_ would make sense then i guess :p

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Not straight, no. But I think I was asleep the day they taught fashion class at gay school.

**  
Timmy**

ah gay school. fond memories. i skipped out the day cher came in to recruit so dont worry dude we all missed something.

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

And tall...I have rarely met a man taller. We can leave it at that.

Shockingly (or not, maybe if you met me you’d say “oh no wonder,” since you haven’t seen my face) I don’t date much.

**  
Timmy**

so, youre tall, have awesome best friends, can cook and you’re built like they made you from ten of me. yeah man, i can see why you don’t bother tryin'...

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

I used to date, don’t worry. It’s why I have at least some nerve to advise others on what to do in this context. I just don’t really anymore.

**  
Timmy**

well so far i can rate your coaching skills as an a with a stray pencil mark. the true test will be a successful date i guess so i’ll reserve posting the scores online for now. :)

anyway i should let you enjoy your g&t in peace and not have to listen to me go on and on all night. plus i have an outfit to single handedly plan, so…

let you know when las flores confirms?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

I told you, your rambling is charming.

But yes, that sounds good. I’ll look forward to hearing from you when he responds, and we can have a final chat about how to approach the date. I won’t try to advise you on wardrobe choices. Interactions only, pinky swear.

**  
Timmy**

awesome dude. 

thanks again. for all this… that i paid for. hahaha. 

chat soon :)

**  
_** Timmy has left the chat session **_ **

  
  
  



	6. Don't Play Favorites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You will inevitably enjoy working with some clients more than others. It’s important that all clients feel special, so make sure to avoid spending too much time and energy on any one client._

****

****

[image text]

 **From: Andrew (CFO)  
** **To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

Armie,

Just checking in on something weird I saw when I was reviewing reports this week. Looks like you spent practically five times more screentime than usual on one account, a t_chalamet. Anything I need to be concerned about? This guy giving you a hard time or causing trouble? Do we need to review the transcripts?

Let me know if this is a customer service issue for Nate, or if I can help.

Andy  
CFO - Manhuntin

**From: Armie (Snr Coach)  
** **To: Andrew (CFO)**

Andy,

Hey, thanks for checking.

Nothing wrong with that account, and no need to review anything. He needed a little more handholding than some, that’s all. A bit nervous, very chatty, seems to do better when there’s a little side conversation along with the advice. It made him comfortable, and he’s a good kid who needs the help. You know how I’m a sucker for the ones who need me, so I don’t mind.

Armie  
Senior Coach - Manhuntin

[/image text] 

**From: Andrew (CFO)  
** **To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

Armie,

Okay, glad to hear there’s not a customer service issue developing, though if the guy is too needy, it’s okay to politely back off. No matter how much your natural caretaking instincts kick in. He paid for some online dating advice, not therapy, so you don’t need to kill yourself over one account. Is this time-suck going to wrap up soon? I ask for your own health :)

Also, on the practical side, I want you freed up. Nate and I need to talk to you about putting together that coaches training module now that our numbers are climbing. We want to push out a premium membership sale with the holidays coming up, and before we do that we’ll need to take on a new set of coaches all at once. That means your one-on-one training model needs to shift to accommodate capacity. Nate has a developer on the line to actually make the modules but you’re our guy for the content. This will need to be a priority project.

Andy  
CFO - Manhuntin

**From: Armie (Snr Coach)  
** **To: Andrew (CFO)**

Andy,

The “time-suck” is going on his first date on Friday, so it’ll be closed out then. No worries. Your bottom line, your reputation, and my health are fine.

In the meantime, I’ve already started to put together ideas for the coaching lessons, so I can move forward with that at any time. Just let me know when you guys want to meet, I’m game.

Armie  
Senior Coach - Manhuntin

**From: Nate (CEO)  
** **To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

Armie,

Andy mentioned he talked to you about meeting on the new training modules, which is great. If you can do next Tuesday at eleven, we can both make it and so can our developer. Can you have proposals ready by then for the modules? You don’t need to have them written, but the developer will need to know exactly what he’s being asked to build so he can get us an estimate and block out the time. Then you two can work out a schedule for delivering the content.

Also, can you have dinner with us (me and Jeremiah) that following Thursday? Jeremiah has this new work buddy who just moved to the city, and we’re trying to introduce him to people. Be great if you could make it.

Nate  
CEO - Manhuntin

**From: Armie (Snr Coach)  
** **To: Nate (CEO)**

Nate,

Tuesday at eleven is good for the training module meeting. At your place?

And dinner Thursday sounds great, just let me know where and when.

But I do reserve the right to string you and Jeremiah up by your balls if this turns out to be _anything_ other than a group of people meeting this guy so he knows some folks in town. You both know better by now.

Armie  
Senior Coach – Manhuntin


	7. Gearing Up for The Big Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _As your client approaches their first in-person date, old insecurities and fears are likely to resurface. Stay the course. Reassure, provide options, answer questions.Be honest with them, but also make sure they remember that the success of failure of the date does not rest only with them...there are two people on any date! ___

[image text] 

**_** Armie (Snr Coach); Timmy would like to chat! **_ **

**  
Timmy**

yo dude finally heard back. i was beginning to doubt my abilities. 

**  
_** Armie (Snr Coach) has accepted the chat request. **_ **

**  
Timmy**

("what abilities, timmy?" the crowd roared, gleefully) ****

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Hey, Timmy.

[/image text] 

**  
Timmy**

hey :) so we all set for tomorrow and he chose a bar literally two minutes from my moms place so if it all goes to shit then i can use my old faithful duvet to mop up my tears. 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

That’s great! So you’ve got that all set up. Think positive. Maybe he’s the one! You did connect with his sense of humor, and he does watch a show you like, so you’ll have something to talk about.

We should talk about your in-person strategies. Moving the conversation along, what to do in case of first-date pitfalls, etc. I wouldn’t want you to have to sleep on a soggy old duvet from your teen years...that has probably seen a lot worse, come to think of it ;)

**  
Timmy**

i dont know what you could possibly mean...

ok please. 

last night i was trying to think when my last first date was. d’ya wanna play a game of guess the answer?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

You...went to a movie with your fifth grade crush. Or no...you went to the movies with the girl who had a crush on _you_ in the fifth grade. She tried to kiss you during the opening credits and you handed her popcorn and told her she was making you miss the movie.

**  
Timmy**

...no, but i’m glad you too think im such a loser that my last first date was when i was a child.

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Shit, I totally misread your last message.

I missed the “last” part and read it as your “first” date ever.

Rewind, please. Press play.

Real answer - Your last first date was three days before isolation started, and you spent the beginning of isolation texting him in the hopes that you could eventually see him again, but it went on for so long it fizzled out.

**  
Timmy**

you should have stuck with your first answer, contestant. 

i realized i’v never been on one. 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

How is that possible? Next you’ll be telling me that up is down and sweet is salty.

**  
Timmy**

hahaha. mystery of the modern world!!

kinda always had ‘people’ thru school, like datin but not, but also _kids_ so youre not like actually going out anywhere. meeting outside a mcdonalds and fightin over the happy meal toy. 

then in college the focus became on taking dancing seriously. so i was always training, class, training, class… hooked up with a few people but like, again, not the style to be dating for real. 

became an official real life adult and met a few guys in bars or whatever but y’know the scene its not really flowers and romance. 

so yep. never. las flores is gonna be the first and im officially shitting myself.

(not literally - chicken and rice keeps you pretty settled.)

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Thank god for that.

Makes sense. I forget that you’re still young, and I remember it being the same for me. Less formality involved at that stage of your life, you (or, at least, me) take what you can get and fit it in around all of the other things demanding your time.

But really, there’s no reason to be nervous. You can think of it like...what if you met this dude through a friend at a party, and you guys talked a little, and he said “I have to go but meet me for a drink?” and you said sure. I know it feels a little more weighty than that, but it’s not. It’s a tryout. Like dancing. For him as much as you.

**  
Timmy**

so what im hearing is ignore my 24yrs worth of hardwired anxiety?

got it ;)

no… you’re right. you’re right. like im a nice guy, i think. im fun to be around. sometimes. like… i'm practically guaranteeing him a good night. 

wait - .. not like that. 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

You’ve got it. You _are_ a nice guy, from what I can tell. You’re interesting, I already told you that. And I definitely get the sense you’re fun to be around. 

Question - if you were in a relationship, or not going on a first date, what kind of thing would you want to do to hang out with your special someone? Are you a stay in and be in together guy, or a paint the town red guy, or a fill your time with activities guy? (I might already know the answer, I want to see if I’m right.)

**  
Timmy**

ooo good question, i like that.

i enjoy bein entertained. so that can be anywhere i suppose. i dont _need_ to go out, im happy to stay in but… _in_ has to be preferable to whatever is going on _out_? if that makes sense. 

if i’m in the middle of a run i’m more likely to want to stay home cos temptation to let loose a lil bit is strong if i go out anywhere. but if i was currently unemployed then yeah i’d like to be out in the city seeing whats what. going to shows, gigs, clubs. whatever.

were you close?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Hang on, making notes…

(Kidding)

Yeah, actually, that’s what I pictured. I see you as fairly outgoing, just based on our conversations, despite whatever anxieties you have. And that’s actually a good thing for tomorrow night. 

Because guess what you could talk about? You could talk about things you missed during isolation (I know I know, it’s an old topic but still works to open the lines of communication) or things that you’re excited to get back to. You can talk about shows or clubs you like. You can talk about music you’ve seen, which you definitely want to work into conversation with this dude to make sure you’re singing the same tune.

**  
Timmy**

right right. that’s good. thanks.

another issue... i have a bit of a bad habit for being too open? not too sure how to calibrate myself or warn him ‘hey this is just who i am. im not telling you about my great aunts cousins birthday party cos i expect you to come with me’... is there such thing as being too open on first dates?? 

there is, isn't there.... that is gonna put him off?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Well, there are different theories on that. On the one hand, opening up too much can destroy the “mystery.” If your date feels like they know everything about you on the first date, there’s nothing more for them to solve by asking for a second or a third. On the other hand, you want to be yourself, because you aren’t looking for a one- or two-night hook-up (unless you are, but it seems you aren’t), you’re looking for something more meaningful. And better they know what you’re like as a person (the vibe of you) so you can both be making informed decisions about whether to move forward.

**  
Timmy**

if you were him, what’d you prefer?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Oh, I’d want you to be your rambling self, no question. Honestly, there is zero chance you’ll reveal absolutely everything, and I’d be left with a huge array of intriguing bits to want to explore further.

**  
Timmy**

ok :) 

thanks, armie. 

lets pray he’s a man after your own heart then.   
  


**_~~ Armie (Snr Coach) is typing ~~_ **

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Yeah. Well, if he isn’t into you as you, then he isn’t worth your time, it’s that simple.

However, if you are worried you might run into a bit of awkwardness where you think you _are_ going on too much (not that I’d mind, but just in case you feel like that), have a bunch of questions for him ready. People do like to talk about themselves, remember, so if you seem interested in him, he’ll feel good about you. Also? Will let you find out more about him so you can decide if you’re into him.

You’re _both_ trying each other out. This isn’t about whether you’re right for him, it’s also about if he’s right for you.

**  
Timmy**

Yea….y’kno thats the part i keep forgetting. i got so bullied into doing this stupid datin thing that i feel like its some kind of test i have to pass. otherwise its back to my friends like oh yea no i fucked that up too. 

sorry, i didnt mean this was stupid.

what you do isnt stupid. 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

No offense taken.

But seriously, you can’t fuck it up. If it doesn’t go well, try not to think of it like it’s something that _you_ did wrong. It just wasn’t meant to be, and there are others out there waiting for you.

Speaking of which...did you want to message any of the other potentials?

**  
Timmy**

i dunno man

feels like im tempting fate if i start reaching out to someone else? like… okay, this guy might not work out but 1) would i give it my best shot if i had three other guys sitting in my pocket? or 2) would the universe be like hes just a greedy fuck so lets ruin this one for him. 

is that a dumb way to think? what do other people do? what do you usually coach people to do, um, _coach_?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Honestly? Dating is a numbers game. Most people don’t meet their soulmates in kindergarten and grow up knowing who their one-and-only is. Over seven billion people on this rock in space, and somehow you’re supposed to find one of the ones who will make you feel good when you’re down, who will be a worthy sidekick to your heroic acts, and who won’t drive you insane in the process.

So I think it’s healthy to have high hopes for this date, but to also be realistic. It might be nothing, but then...you got 92 flags! (Actually you probably have way more now, I’d be willing to bet.) More people are joining every day. Your guy might be there, or he might be a few weeks down the line, and you’ll never know if you don’t keep trying.

Whether you do that now or after your date is entirely up to you. Only...

**  
Timmy**

only…?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

I was going to say, just that you did pay for this service, and I’m only here until your date. So if you want my help in constructing messages and stuff to the others…

Of course, you seem like a fast learner. So maybe you don’t need more than one round of coaching on that.

**  
Timmy**

ah… its okay armie, i didnt forget my best friend had an expiration date :)

you’ve already helped more than i think you realise, just by telling me what to say and teaching me how to speak to strange men again,

strangers! I mean strangers!

(:p i meant strange men)

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Sounds like my little chickenrice is ready to graduate. ;)

Ready to take on all the strange men in Manhattan. They won’t know what hit them.

**  
Timmy**

you’ll have a sudden influx of new men to the site and all the surveys will be like ‘went on a date with this one guy and… ‘

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

...and I fell madly in love but he was looking for something else. I’m devastated and need to console myself with more dates. 

It sounds a little like we’re wrapping up. Can I ask you a question?

**  
Timmy**

of course

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

If you were to build your perfect guy (not just physically, but the whole package) what are your non-negotiables? What are the things that, if you could have anything you wanted, you would select from the menu of options?

**  
Timmy**

ooooooh. another good one. ur making me work for it tonight. 

lemme see.

someone with a specialty in ‘fuck it’. I don’t ever wanna get boring. need someone to keep it interesting. doesnt have to be wild or like… illegal ha 

(but, i _mean_ …jk jk) 

but someone with a sense of adventure. a wild side.

someone with their shit together. which i know - is no-one :p more like they know who they are and even if there are parts they wanna change, they’d work on it, someone open to exploring themselves and their limits, emotionally?

and lastly? I dunno. a really nice cock?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

That right there? That is what you should keep in mind when you go on these dates.

Don’t settle, Timmy. You’re too special for that. Keep that in mind.

I mean, don’t get a big head about it or anything, I’m sure you’re full of flaws, too ;)

**  
Timmy**

both my mom and my therapist say i have none?

but you’re right (did you just go into coaching to have men tell you how right you are all day long? cos… good call, dude) the core values are non-negotiable.

can i ask you a question?

timmy, the rule breaker.

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Always.

**  
Timmy**

you dont have to answer. 

cos you’re the boss here. 

i’m just a lowly puppet in this dating game :p

what about you? what makes - or would make - armie dust off that sweater and put his own advice back into action? what are his non-negotiables?

**_  
~~ Armie (Snr Coach) is typing ~~_ **

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

It’s been a long while since I’ve really thought about that, or anyone has bothered to ask. But I suppose it’s fair turnaround ;)

_  
**~~ Armie (Snr Coach) is typing ~~  
**   
**  
Armie - Snr Coach**   
_

For me...I am looking for someone willing to and able to keep up with all the highs and lows, excitement and boredom, ridiculousness and gravity, that life is. Being able to talk — really talk, not just on the surface but about everything, things that matter, things that don’t matter but are interesting, things that might matter later — is key. Being able to laugh is a must, at ourselves and everything else, so matching senses of humor? That one is a non-negotiable for me. And aside from that, I really want to be with someone who has his own independent passion for something about life. Like...don’t just be a passenger, try to take the wheel, and care about it, and get excited about it, so I can be excited for you. Him. You know what I mean.

And, of course, a nice cock. ;)

If that was too much, just ignore it. Sometimes my pals tell me I get too philosophical about things that don’t need to be that deep. 

**  
Timmy**

it bodes well that, despite advice to the contrary, going deep is your default :p 

i'm sure you make a wonderful top hahaha 

that said, you must see guys on here all the time who's profiles, photos, whatever intrigue you, though? you never wanna offer yourself up? or is that… would you be fired? 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Nah. My standards are too high. 

(Kidding)

**  
Timmy**

:p

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Sampling the goods would definitely be frowned upon, but there’s the convenient fact that I’m taking a long break from dating, which makes it easier to resist breaking the rules. 

Also, by the way, remember to be careful what you assume. Assumptions make an _ass_ out of...someone. 

**  
Timmy**

hmm. sounds like someone _really_ fucked up, huh? 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Something like that. Long story.

Have you decided what you’ll wear tomorrow? I mean, not that anything you say will mean much to me other than “shirt” or “pants” or “blue” but…it seemed important to you.

**  
Timmy**

I was thinking leather trousers (im torn between brown and blue) and a lime green fishnet vest?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Hmm. That’s a...choice.

**  
Timmy**

its subtle i know. should i jazz it up a bit?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

I particularly like the idea of a lime green fishnet vest. You could add a giant gold chain with a sparkly dollar sign. Make it a little _more_ classy. Really lean into the Elton John thing.

**  
Timmy**

fuck you are good at fashion afterall. done. 

gonna look lit.

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

I’ll say. You have all that just laying around?

**  
Timmy**

well its fresh back from the laundrette but yeah

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Las Flores won’t know what hit him.

Okay, what are you really wearing?

**  
Timmy**

armie i dont know what you mean. obvz this is what i have picked out. you dont think its good first date material? i can show you option b?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Please do. I know I know nothing at all about fashion, but I’ll do my best.

**  
Timmy**

ok.

**_  
~~ Timmy has sent a photo. ~~_ **

__

(im in the toilets in the lobby of my moms building - the lighting in here is 100%)

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Well.

**  
Timmy**

its not my first choice _clearly_ but you seemed less than impressed with option a.

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Las Flores won’t know what hit him.

(Not Kidding)

**  
Timmy**

arrrmie, thats the _same_ feedback. just cos you say not kidding doesn't make it different. help me. does it look casual enough to suggest i dont give a fuck he if turns up, but decent enough to suggest i hope he will? 

(deadass gon’ wear the cap and bring my backpack :p)

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

You look good. You don’t look like you’re trying too hard, but you look like you’re trying a little, and that’s the perfect amount. The jeans fit well and the jacket...it tends to make one want to see what’s under all the buttons. 

Better? ;)

**  
Timmy**

much. _thank you_. granted, ‘s’no brown and blue argyle plaid but i did my best. 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

We can’t all be me. And I’ll have you know I have at _least_ five other sweaters, three pairs of pants, and two belts. 

Well, one of the belts is actually just a length of rope, but it works.

**  
Timmy**

sorry - its what?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

I’m wearing it now. See, it works as well as a belt.

**_  
~~ Armie (Snr Coach) has sent a photo ~~_ **

__

**  
Timmy**

i didnt know it was possible to feel everything i am feeling right now all at once. thats…- _something._

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

I’m a hopeless case, aren’t I? Would be pointless to take me on as a student, oh fashion guru?

**  
Timmy**

trying hard not to make further assumptions, like you told me. 

imagine i am pointing out of the window right now - oh, look!

(for the sake of our ‘friendship’ i beg you to change topics)

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Well, actually...I’m not sure there’s much else I can help you with. You’re set on what to wear, what to talk about, how you shouldn’t settle if he’s not what you’re looking for.

Good luck tomorrow night, and just be yourself. If he doesn’t love you immediately there’s something seriously wrong with him.

**  
Timmy**

flawless logic.

we can do this. 

thanks armie - genuinely. know ive said this already but… im a talker and know you have probably given up a lot of free time to talk me down from ledges. its appreciated (even if i paid for the pleasure :p)

you have been an epic wingman. 

you were obv made for this job :p the pandemic did you a favour. 

if tomorrow night doesnt work out, ive another 58 flags there waiting… wont be as fun without you but ill manage!

annnd if u ever decide to get your sweater out on the town again looking for the biggest carb lover in nyc, i wish u best of luck with it armie :) 

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Ha, thanks. I’m sure CarbLover69 is out there waiting for me to find him someday.

It’s been an absolute pleasure Timmy, and I mean that. Any extra time I’ve spent with you has been entertaining and definitely not a chore. 

And that’s the right attitude to have. If it doesn’t work out tomorrow, then Las Flores can fuck off because you’ve got a line of guys waiting and hoping for you to give them your attention.

Again, good luck. You’ll be great.

**  
_** Armie (Snr Coach) has left the chat session. **_ **

* * *

[image text] 

**From: Felicity (Man Hunter)**

**To: t_chalamet**

Hi Timothée!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Your coach has indicated you have found a successful first match here on Manhuntin’! I am so happy for you and wish you well on your dating journey.

So, you might be wondering what this means now? Well, as a premium member you will retain all of the perks of full access to all profiles, unrestricted chat options and unlimited daily flags, however you will no longer have the coaching element. 

**Thats okay, right? After all, you just met the One! ;)**

But what if he turns out to only be Mr Right-Now, I hear you cry? Well, we wouldn’t leave you totally alone in this big bad world of dating :) Click here to check out our Members Forum where you can ask questions or seek advice at any time - totally anonymously!

I wish you the best of luck, Timothee!

The Manhuntin Team

_Putting the Men Back in Manhattan_

[/image text]   
  


* * *

**  
From: t_chalamet  
** **To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
** hey armie. my mom wanted me to tell you i look awesome and my curls turned out perfectly and it is thousand percent my mom who said this not me.  
unsure how many times is the right amount to say thank you but, again, genuinely man, thank you. here goes nothin! 

peace out, 

t.

 **  
From: Armie (Snr Coach)  
** **To: t_chalamet**

So it’s the big night! I’m glad you sent a message, because I wanted to reach out one last time to wish you luck and to remind you that, even if it’s not a perfect match, I’ve got every faith you’ll find what you’re looking for. Be yourself! Don’t settle! Your man is out there waiting for you to walk into his life. 

It’s been a pleasure working with you, truly. And I’m sure your mom is right and you look smokin’. Knock ‘em dead, chickenrice. ;)  
  


* * *

[image text]

**Coach Management System**

_Login:_ Armie (Snr Coach)

 _Password:_ [face recognition]

Open Relationships (expiring soon)

_These relationships will close automatically at 23:59 on the date specified. For manual control, you must change the setting in the dropbox window._

g_brown _Friday, November 13, 2020_ AUTO

s_taylor _Friday, November 13, 2020_ AUTO

t_chalamet _Friday, November 13, 2020_ MANUAL Reason: Client may cancel date

v_williams _Saturday, November 14, 2020_ AUTO

[/image text]   
  


* * *

**  
From: t_chalamet  
** **To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

fuck online dating

im going to apply for reality tv instead.

the fuckin undateables or something.

 **  
From: t_chalamet  
** **To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

that was a fucking disaster - fuckin friday 13th COLOR ME SHOCKED TIMMY

 **  
From: t_chalamet  
** **To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

jesus this is so inappropriate - sorry i dont know why im telling you.

wait - does this even still go through to you now? maybe not. maybe for the best. 

**  
From: t_chalamet  
** **To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

i fucked it up armie.


	8. When Disaster Strikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sometimes a client will run into a problem. He may have a disastrous chat or get a negative DM or maybe just not garner the interest he was hoping for. In those situations, focus on normalizing the issue, boosting the client’s self esteem, and encouraging them to keep trying. Make sure they understand that it’s all part of the process and don’t dwell on it; always move forward!_
> 
> _If there is a more serious issue, contact our customer support team for a referral. Remember, you’re a dating coach and not a therapist (even if it might feel like it sometimes)._

**From: Armie (Snr Coach)**

**To: t_chalamet**

Woah, calm down. I’m sure you didn’t fuck it up. It sucks it didn’t go well, but there were _two_ people on that date, not just one. Remember, you don’t have to settle. This guy wasn’t right for you.

And it’s okay that you’re contacting me, I don’t mind. I hadn’t closed out the link yet, so I’m still getting your messages. It doesn’t look like you’re online right now, otherwise I’d request a chat. But I’m here, and I’ll stay online a while so if you see this, just ping me and we can talk.

Either way, at least let me know you’re okay.

_________

**_** Armie (Snr Coach); Timmy would like to chat! **_ **

Timmy: hey

_**** Armie (Snr Coach) has accepted the chat request. ****  
_

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Good, I’m glad you reached out.

Talk to me.

**Timmy**

im sorry i dont even know why i contacted you

its just… dude it was so shit. 

like maybe the worst night ever. and i’d noone to tell cos i never even said it to my friends i was meetin someone. 

which, i know, fucking dumb

but fuck i didnt expect it to go down like it did. I stg that guy left the bar fuckin hatin me. distaste drippin off him by the time he managed to sup his way down his single pint. 

**  
_~~Armie - Snr Coach is typing ~~_ **

**  
Timmy**

anyway again i apologise - i know this isn’t-, like... the deals done i know i just needed to-. urgh fuck sorry man. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

No, I want to talk to you. 

Here’s the problem. I’m supposed to close out the link today, and it’s nearly midnight.

What if

**  
_~~ Armie - Snr Coach is typing ~~_ **

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

This might be inappropriate, but fuck it. You want to connect off the server? Then we can talk as long as you need.

**Timmy**

you serious?

**  
Armie - Snr Coach**

Yeah. If that’s too weird or I’m overstepping, you can tell me to fuck off. But I can be a friend, if you want to talk about this. 

I feel like I know enough about you to trust that you aren’t going to turn into a murdering psycho ;)

**Timmy**

after tonight? dude, youve more faith than ive got.

ok

what do you want from me?

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Your number, for starters. If you’re comfortable giving it to me. I’ll add you on WhatsApp.

**_~~ Timmy has sent a contact file ~~_ **

**  
Timmy**

ive never done that thru this system let me know if it works between client and coach ?? i guess its meant for dates hah. 

**Armie - Snr Coach**

Got it. I’m going to add you and send a message. Let me know if you get it.

* * *

[image text]

 **Armie**

Hey Timmy, that you?

**Timothee**

hey

**Timothee**

Is that… you?

**Armie**

Is what me? Me?

**Timothee**

the profile pic

**Timothee**

the guy with the phallic meat

**Timothee**

_not_ a sentence i expected to type tnight

[/image text] 

**Armie**

Oh, yeah. Ha. That’s me. I forgot I had that pic up here.

**Armie**

And not a sentence I expected to hear, despite the fact that it’s my pic

**Armie**

Okay, since we’re on here, I’m going to close out the link on the Manhuntin app. And also...I’m not really your coach anymore, not officially. I can offer advice, but I’d rather, just to keep things clean, sever that official relationship and now we can be friends. 

**Armie**

That okay with you?

**Timothee**

well, that depends…

**Armie**

On?

**Timothee**

will your advice change?

**Timothee**

or you still a great wingman?

**Armie**

Well, based on your experience tonight, maybe I’m not such a great wingman.

**Armie**

But no, the essence of my advising capacity would stay the same.

**Armie**

I would just reserve the right to rag on you more often.

**Timothee**

im in an emotionally vulnerable place right so be kind

**Timothee**

but if thats the deal, ill take it

**Timothee**

close out and come back to me

**Armie**

Okay, give me just a minute. I’ll brb

* * *

[image text]

**Coach Management System**

_Login:_ Armie (Snr Coach)

 _Password:_ [face recognition]

Open Relationships (expiring soon)

_These relationships will close automatically at 23:59 on the date specified. For manual control, you must change the setting in the dropbox window._

g_brown _Friday, November 13, 2020_ AUTO

s_taylor _Friday, November 13, 2020_ AUTO

t_chalamet _Friday, November 13, 2020_ AUTO

v_williams _Saturday, November 14, 2020_ AUTO

[/image text] 

* * *

**Armie**

Done.

**Armie**

Now, friend...talk to me. Start at the beginning. You arrived and…

**Timothee**

dude… ok so i arrived and the place was hoppin

**Timothee**

i was buzzed, its been so long man. anyway as i said it was a place close to my moms so i saw a couple of people i knew so i was kinda feeling calm about it all or whatever

**Timothee**

then i see him over by the bar and he looked just lik his photos so like THANK FUCK

**Timothee**

i mean, he wasnt a looker but at least wasnt… anyway.

**Armie**

That’s good, not a catfish.

**Timothee**

exactly

**Timothee**

walk up to him and say hi, introduce myself and straight off the bat i knew i wasnt what he expected

**Timothee**

which, youve seen my pictures man, i dont know how else to look the way i look??

**Armie**

What? Why would he not expect you? What you showed me last night was in line with your profile photos. Was he maybe confused about who he was meeting?

**Timothee**

oh no, he knew alright

**Timothee**

so i order a drink, hes got a full one there, doesnt want another

**Armie**

Okay, then what made you think you weren’t what he expected? And if that’s the case that’s his own damned fault, your profile is a fairly accurate presentation of you and your personality, I thought.

**Timothee**

i dunno man. anyway i must have sipped about two mini mouthfuls of my drink before I realise this guy… like its not just my looks that offend him

**Timothee**

he didn’t like me. AT ALL… 

**Timothee**

at this point he actually motioned to the barman too and asked if i thought he was cute

**Armie**

I’m sorry. He did fucking WHAT?

**Timothee**

I mean, dude, i stg!

**Timothee**

this was question number two or something

**Timothee**

like i dont think this is how dates are meant to go?

**Armie**

Dude sounds like a complete dick. I mean, what was the first thing you said to him? Not that anything would excuse fuckwad behavior like that. And what did you do when he asked the bartender for his opinion?

**Armie**

(Hey was the bartender hot? Please tell me you made a move on him in front of this guy.)

**Timothee**

Nahh, man,he asked *me* if i thought he was cute, not asked the barman

**Armie**

Oh, misread that. Okay, still weird behavior, like the dude was thinking of trading you in for the bartender. Which is shitty and totally stupid, imho.

**Timothee**

(full disclosure, the barman _does_ think im cute)

(might have made his new year one time)

**Timothee**

nbd… :)

**Armie**

I knew all this shit about how you had no moves was an act… ;)

**Armie**

So what did you tell him? About the bartender? In my fantasy, you said, “he’s cuter than you.”

**Timothee**

aww appreciate sentiment but honeeeey you need to work on your fantasies

**Timothee**

told him he was my cousin lolol

**Armie**

HA

**Timothee**

i just didnt want the drama of it

**Timothee**

but i remembered what you said about people like to talk about themselves so to try and get back on track i asked him about las flores

**Armie**

Good idea

**Timothee**

cos y’know, A GUY HAS TO LAUGH AT LEAST.

**Timothee**

thinking we’d kinda click back to what tiny bond we had

**Timothee**

do u wanna know what happened?

**Armie**

I’m at the edge of my seat. Literally, ass on the edge of my seat.

**Timothee**

suspect youre being an asshole but ill let it slide

**Timothee**

because you cant outdo this guy

**Armie**

****

**Armie**

Obviously this isn't right now, but I imagine I look similar. 

**Timothee**

k im on a roll so cant allow myself to be distracted

please hold my thoughts on this picture while i tell you this:

**Timothee**

he did not ONLY an ACTUAL eyeroll when I mentioned the show

**Timothee**

he followed it up with a TUT!

**Timothee**

A TUT ARMIE.

**Timothee**

like i was a four year old.

**Armie**

Wait, like he was disapproving of the show? Then why was he making a joke on his..oh.

**Timothee**

like what the hell??l

**Timothee**

(and in other what the hell moments; 

WHY ARE YOU SO MUCH MAN FOR ONE CHAIR)

**Armie**

I told you I was tall. Imagine me shrugging.

**Timothee**

and its not that he was so much disapproving of the show as he was my entire existence

**Timothee**

i think my mom is penning an apology letter to him as we speak for her part in the matter

**Timothee**

(and i _am_ imagining, dont worry)

**Armie**

Well this guy is obviously both a dick and an idiot. You walk into a bar, and you’re there to see me, I’m going to be sending up prayers of thanks to the universe and wondering what kind of saint I was in a prior life.

**Armie**

If that wasn’t his reaction, he either isn’t human, isn’t gay, or is blind. Sounds like you dodged a bullet finding all this out in the first three minutes.

**Timothee**

dont be cute to me armie i cant take it

**Timothee**

i got a second drink anyway cos clearly conversation was LIT

**Timothee**

he wasn’t impressed by that either, made some sly comment

but in between this he was chatting to me like a normal human being??

**Armie**

So fucking weird. Maybe he has half a conscience and it kept reeling him back?

**Timothee**

dunno man, either he kept forgetting he disliked me

**Timothee**

OR

**Timothee**

he is mentally not fit to be out cavorting with young men he meets online. 

**Armie**

Clearly the latter.

**Timothee**

i just dont get how his profile was so funny and cute

**Timothee**

then in person he was dull as fuck and a complete knob

**Armie**

Hmmm, well...

**Timothee**

annnnd the more im thinking about it

**Timothee**

and applying the Armiewisdom of ‘its not you its them

**Timothee**

im realising he really wasnt fucking funny either.

**Timothee**

or interesting. but mainly funny. i didnt laugh once.

**Timothee**

yet his profile…??? had all the lolz??

**Armie**

That part might be...my fault. 

**Armie**

The fact that he wasn’t funny in person and his profile seemed like...he was.

**Timothee**

your fault? 

**Timothee**

what

**Timothee**

how?

**Armie**

You’re not the only person I’ve coached.

**Armie**

I’m really fucking sorry, Timmy. It’s never been an issue before.

**Timothee**

wait.

**Timothee**

you _coached_ this guy?

**Timothee**

so youve known this entire time he was a douchebag?

**Armie**

No, no.

**Timothee**

oh FUCK, was he the guy you told me about????

**Armie**

No, hold on. He wasn’t the same guy, believe it or not more than one person can be an asshole. 

**Timothee**

omg...

**Armie**

I knew I shouldn’t have said anything about that. This is exactly why we have the rule about not talking about other clients, obviously. I’ve never broken that rule before. Shit.

**Timothee**

clearly i bring out the worst in people

**Armie**

Listen, I swear I didn’t know the whole time. I just figured it out, when you were talking, it just dawned on me.

**Armie**

I *can* get access to your matches. As the senior coach, I can access everything. But I generally don’t. Because I do coach lots of people, and it would be weird and creepy to play off knowledge about one with the other.

**Timothee**

no shit

**Armie**

I didn’t realize I had coached this guy until just now, I swear. And I don’t actually know that’s the case, I don’t have a specific memory of him exactly, but I do vaguely remember helping someone else who talked about Las Flores. I just wasn’t making the connection before.

**Timothee**

i KNEW it was fucking obscure

**Armie**

I would never have set you up like that, I promise. Do you hate me?

**Timothee**

no im not mad. 

**Timothee**

i dont think

**Timothee**

i dont hate you

**Timothee**

fuck….all this time you had me thinkin i wasnt super fucking lame

**Timothee**

when in reality you’re just lame too :p

**Armie**

I didn’t realize it was so obscure. Or that I was lame. But it’s okay, we can be lame together, that works for me.

**Timothee**

so what, you just coached him enough to make him interesting?

**Timothee**

cant believe of _all_ the people i thought you’d helped, he wasnt one of them.

**Armie**

Full disclosure? 

**Armie**

When we first started up the app, I was coaching blind. Like, I hadn’t thought through all the ins and outs of the system yet. So I might, maybe, have been more heavy handed with my assistance early on. Put a little more of myself in the profiles than I should have. I got better at that. I think.

**Timothee**

i should be relieved then.

**Armie**

Relieved? That I’m an idiot and screwed up a date for you?

**Timothee**

because i thought i’d fucked up

**Timothee**

that id lost all skill of judgement goin for him based on his profile

**Timothee**

but it looks like i didn't pick an asshole afterall.

**Timothee**

well... 

**Timothee**

i DID :p but at least a funny one

**Timothee**

fuck, dude...

**Timothee**

you owe me.

**Armie**

I am so, so fucking sorry. I’ll make it up to you. Just don’t be mad.

**Timothee**

you can see my matches, you said?

**Armie**

I can see whatever I want. I’m not supposed to take advantage of it — that’s the rule — but as part owner, I have full access.

**Timothee**

ok then, rulebreaker, heres the deal

**Timothee**

am going to go through my flags

**Timothee**

gonna find someone to take out tomorrow

**Timothee**

and you, my good friend, are going to tell me if you coached them

**Timothee**

you say yes and theyre out of the running.

**Timothee**

deal?

**Armie**

That’s fair. I can agree to that. Just keep it between us.

**Timothee**

youve closed my online access to you, remember

**Timothee**

ive no way of contacting you

**Timothee**

:)

**Armie**

That’s convenient ;)

**Timothee**

ha, this your tried and tested method?

**Timothee**

take it off the app before you spill state secrets

**Armie**

Yes, could be...except I’ve never talked to anyone off app before like this. I’m an off app virgin, you’ll have to be gentle with me.

**Timothee**

cant promise that armie

**Timothee**

not when youve already fucked me like tonight

**Armie**

Then I’ll be gentle with you.

**Armie**

Seriously, though, whatever you need. You’re right, I did screw this up, and I want to make it up to you.

**Timothee**

nah its chill dude. im being dramatic

**Timothee**

you didnt force this guy to be a twat

**Armie**

True

**Timothee**

he manages that quite capably on his own. 

**Timothee**

if anything _you_ gave him a shot

**Timothee**

but next time, we’re gonna keep armie out of it

**Armie**

Unfortunate for me. 

**Timothee**

know i said we said i’d have to do the next match without you

**Timothee**

didnt realise i’d have to factor in both sides :p

**Timothee**

k ive three flags there pending. check em and if any are safe to proceed let me know

**Armie**

Okay, give me a minute. I also might have to check my own records. Not everyone is as memorable as you.

**Timothee**

flattery wont save you now

**Armie**

Worth a shot. ;)

**Armie**

So one of these guys is one of mine. The dude with the hard-on for Marvel Universe. Sadly, that’s not ironic.

**Armie**

To be fair, I tried to talk him out of leading with that. 

**Armie**

The other two are safe.

**Timothee**

cool. thanks man

**Timothee**

looks like i’m going on a date with new yorks next top model

**Timothee**

wish me luck

**Armie**

Good luck?

**Armie**

I think.

**Armie**

So you don’t want my help on this one at all? Tell you what to say?

**Timothee**

right now im still high on emotional overdrive

**Timothee**

think i feel brazen enough with self righteousness that i can send this message alone

**Armie**

Ah, there’s that top energy.

**Timothee**

also know myself enough to know this will crash when i wake up tomorrow

**Timothee**

so dont rule out future begging

**Timothee**

top energy hahahaha

**Timothee**

you know it brother

**Armie**

Sometimes

**Timothee**

ooh, wait.

**Timothee**

is this another subtle hint at your own preferences

**Armie**

I don’t know about subtle, but it’s not a secret.

**Armie**

Can you guess?

**Timothee**

mmm the rare vers man

**Armie**

Got it in one

**Timothee**

thats my aim.

**Timothee**

heard rumours they existed but… 

**Armie**

Yes, we do exist. Believe it or not, some of us don’t believe in limiting the ways we experience pleasure.

**Armie**

Want to know an actual secret?

**Timothee**

enlighten me

**Armie**

I used to only top. Like you, I had never tried anything else and didn’t think I needed to. It only took one person to show me the error of my ways.

**Timothee**

already told you, thats never happening for me

**Timothee**

but i like your recruitment style, cult leader.

**Armie**

If you ever change your mind…

**Armie**

I can give you pointers. Free of charge.

**Timothee**

another instance where armie’s advice gets me fucked

**Armie**

Lol. Literally.

**Timothee**

serious question?

**Armie**

Ask me anything.

**Timothee**

if youre all about not limiting your pleasure, why arent you putting yourself out there?

**Armie**

I just decided I needed to be off the roller coaster for a while. All it was doing was giving me motion sickness and headaches.

**Armie**

I had a couple of bad experiences in a row, ones I did not see coming, and so…

 **Armie**

Let’s just say isolation couldn’t have come at a better time. It let me really think about what I wanted and what I wasn’t getting out of the dating scene.

**Timothee**

makes sense

**Timothee**

you dont miss it though?

**Timothee**

says timmy the eternal loner :)

**Armie**

I do miss some things, sure. It can be fun to meet new people. But I don’t miss the constant cycle of hoping for more and not getting it. I think I was meeting all the wrong people in all the wrong places, and just as lonely with dating as I was without. Putting a halt on everything to come up with a new plan was right for me.

**Armie**

Of course, what I came up with ended up not existing, So I had to create it. And then I couldn’t very well use it myself. ;)

**Timothee**

the app you mean?

**Timothee**

if so, thats some deep rooted issues man haha

**Timothee**

build a platform to watch guys you can’t touch come and go?

**Timothee**

isnt that a new level of torture?

**Armie**

Yeah, the app. Or, not the whole app, but the coaching aspect. The intention was for people to be able to be more authentically themselves and really be able to find complementary guys who were also authentically being themselves. Rather than just putting up the same dumb profile that exists in the thousands on every other app on the market. But that requires coaching, and…

**Armie**

Ironic, isn’t it?

**Armie**

And clearly, I have not figured out how to execute this perfectly yet. Otherwise what happened to you tonight would not have happened.

**Timothee**

full disclosure?

**Armie**

Please.

**Timothee**

kinda glad it fucked up?

**Timothee**

(at least this time, because dude was an asshole)

**Timothee**

if it hadn’t, i wouldn’t be talking to you right now

**Timothee**

the coaching would have been over and that would have been that.

**Timothee**

‘d be out on my own

**Timothee**

but… i think im very grateful or honoured or something for the chance to be here. now

**Timothee**

in here. with you

**Armie**

Me too, if we’re being honest. I meant it before when I said I’d never done this, taken a conversation off the app.

**Armie**

But I’m glad I’m breaking the rules, for you.

**Armie**

Question?

**Timothee**

shoot

**Armie**

You don’t think you might have...looked me up? On your own?

**Armie**

If you hadn’t had a shitty date tonight and reached out in a panic. Maybe at some point, would you have wondered who I was?

**Armie**

I’m asking because this is so easy. This conversation, and it has been from the start. I know I would have wondered what ever became of you, if I had closed out the link and not heard from you again. And I’ve definitely never wondered that before.

**Timothee**

umm. _that is_ a question

**Timothee**

would i have looked you up...

**Timothee**

mmm think there are two sides to this?

**Timothee**

on one hand, i really enjoyed getting to know you

**Timothee**

(or have you know me, which I suspect is closer to the truth) 

**Timothee**

so the idea of completely losing that is… not great

**Timothee**

but on the other hand, theres the side of me that would be second guessing everything? 

**Timothee**

cos you were paid to be nice to me?

**Timothee**

dunno if i’d have trusted that i could’ve reached out to you and it not just be you performing a duty?

**Timothee**

if that makes sense?

**Armie**

It does. And that makes me doubly glad that Las Flores turned out to be a dick, because I would have wanted to track you down and not let myself (probably), and you would have not trusted that it would matter. So we both would have been missing out.

**Armie**

Do you trust me now? That I’m not just performing a duty?

**Timothee**

you willingly offered to give me pointers on how to take a cock

**Timothee**

i think that makes us tight now, dude?

**Armie**

How do you know I don’t make that offer to everyone?

**Armie**

(Kidding)

**Armie**

What are you doing right now? Aside from talking to me?

**Timothee**

aside from grinning at the reminder of how i’d missed “(kidding)”?

**Timothee**

im just, i dunno… here?

**Timothee**

sitting on a window ledge in the dark?

**Armie**

A window ledge, hmmm. Why in the dark? You forget to pay your electric?

**Timothee**

yes, next stop sugarbaby.com

**Timothee**

no, i just like to sit in the dark when my mind is busy?

**Timothee**

cuts out the needless stimulation

**Timothee**

im disordered, remember :p

**Armie**

So on a window ledge, in the dark, with the lights of the city beyond. I can picture it.

**Timothee**

**Armie**

Yeah, that’s exactly what I pictured. You look...peaceful.

**Timothee**

if you could hear the drunk guy on the street below outside the 

market you’d be rethinking peaceful

**Timothee**

“dude, it's closed. go fucking home”

**Armie**

That’s funny. I have drunk guys too. Same, trying to fucking get into the place.

 **Armie**

Hang on a second…

**Armie**

**Armie**

(Also not right now...)

**Timothee**

no fucking way, wait… where are you?

**Timothee**

are you seriously like - what - two, three buildings down from me??

**Armie**

Jesus.

**Armie**

That’s so fucking trippy. We’re neighbors.

**Timothee**

well, no. you and my mom are neighbors :p

**Timothee**

came back here, soggy duvet and all.

**Armie**

Still. I feel like...some kind of fate going on tonight.

**Armie**

It’s like that thing where you say you can look up at the same sky even if you’re not in the same place? We can hear the same drunk idiots down on the street below.

**Timothee**

manhattan version of true romance right there

**Timothee**

this is sick, man.

**Timothee**

hey, while were on the subject of drunk idiots

**Timothee**

how drunk would one need to get Armie before he’d take a picture of his actual face?

**Timothee**

because my collection is a little incomplete. 

**Timothee**

side profile of a phallic french kiss doesn't count.

**Armie**

Well, chickenrice, it seems to be your lucky night.

**Armie**

Apparently the answer is not drunk at all, just a little sleepy

**Armie**

Be nice to me.

**Armie**

**Armie**

(Will I just send my whole camera roll) 

**Timothee**

woah.

**Timothee**

god really wasn’t fuckin about the day he made you was he?

**Timothee**

holy shit.

**Timothee**

also yes please

**Armie**

Ha, no. I’m not sending another as proof, but I’m blushing.

**Timothee**

damn

**Timothee**

did you filter this, or are your eyes really the inspirational source behind the mf sky?

**Armie**

Now you’re just blowing smoke up my ass. I get it.

**Armie**

No filter. All me.

**Timothee**

dude its not smoke up ur ass youre depriving this island of men giving you, trust me

**Armie**

I appreciate it. Really.

**Armie**

Wow, I forgot what it was like to get a compliment from a hot guy.

**Timothee**

ive become an expert in it this week - feels good doesn't it?

**Armie**

It was genuine, you know. I wasn’t just “being nice” or saying shit because I had to. Anything I said was actually a real compliment.

**Armie**

I just wanted to make sure you knew that, because of what you said before. The Las Flores dickhead is crazy.

**Timothee**

thanks, man

**Timothee**

he did me a roundabout favor though as i said

**Armie**

Should we send him a gift basket?

**Timothee**

i’d kinda like him to piss glass for a week

**Timothee**

does that come with a bow on it?

**Armie**

Ha

**Armie**

Okay, enough about him. Tell me something else about you. Something I don’t know.

**Timothee**

umm, ok

**Timothee**

earlier today i road tested a new videogame

**Timothee**

kinda maybe also did a bit of code hacking

**Timothee**

people may or may not experience a glitch where Alex is their top scorer. Always.

**Timothee**

its an unfortunate event.

**Timothee**

also im sure you were hoping for something more real, weren’t you?

**Armie**

That’s real enough...Timmy the hacker. I bet you got a really mischievous look on your face while you were doing it and laugh every time you think about it.

**Armie**

Good to know we both break the rules.

**Timothee**

it did, does, bring me joy.

**Timothee**

what were you doing tonight, by the way? before my not at all embarassing meltdown

**Timothee**

getting overly used to monopolizing your evenings.

**Armie**

Oh I had a really exciting evening.

**Armie**

I ate leftover lasagna, then did some coaching. I talked to a friend of mine who lives in Texas. I watched some shitty reality cooking show.

**Armie**

When you messaged me, I was just about to settle into bed with a book.

**Armie**

Bet you find me thrilling now.

**Timothee**

wild.

**Timothee**

how d’ya have friends in texas?

**Armie**

I lived there a while when I was in high school. My dad was in the military, so we lived in a bunch of places. I managed to collect a few good friends along the way.

**Timothee**

neat

**Timothee**

maybe not the military bit but the moving around.

**Armie**

Oh, the moving sucked. I was never around long enough to fit in anywhere. Was always “that new kid.” I’m grateful anyone talked to me, to be honest. Going to college was the longest I was ever in once place, before I moved to New York.

**Timothee**

and your book?

**Armie**

Right now I’m reading this book about famous art heists.

**Armie**

Do you read, or is it all bingeing Netflix? (No judgment.)

**Timothee**

is (no judgement) the new (kidding)?

**Timothee**

famous art heists

**Timothee**

bet thats heavy going (thats what they said)

**Timothee**

i do read a lot but nothing that would interest anyone. unless you're interested in sacroiliac joint dysfunction which… i assume you’re not?

**Armie**

Sounds...painful.

**Armie**

Maybe that’ll be what I research next. In case pulling off a major art heist doesn’t work out for me.

**Timothee**

you can train and become my physio

**Timothee**

it _sounds_ similar to coach

**Timothee**

might even let you keep the same name badge

**Armie**

Physio? Is that like someone who helps you stretch and checks on your muscles?

**Armie**

If so, sign me up.

**Timothee**

see, you’re learning already.

**Timothee**

lots of manipulation.

**Timothee**

i’ve assessed your hands for good measure, think you’d do well

**Timothee**

looks like you'd be good at giving stress-relieving head

**Timothee**

** massages.

**Armie**

**Armie**

Just in case you needed a second look.

**Timothee**

full disclosure?

**Armie**

Go for it.

**Timothee**

you know what, never mind

**Timothee**

forget i said anything

**Armie**

Oh, not fair.

**Armie**

You’re going to leave me on the edge like that?

**Timothee**

yes

**Timothee**

best unsaid, trust me

**Armie**

Fine, let me just make a note here.

**Armie**

Timmy is a tease.

**Armie**

(Kidding)

**Timothee**

armie has his moments.

**Timothee**

see: last photo

**Armie**

I’m sure I have no idea what you mean.

**Armie**

It was just my hand.

**Armie**

And maybe part of my thigh.

**Armie**

But seriously, I am kidding. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.

**Timothee**

unfortch, i probably already have

**Timothee**

in some way

**Armie**

Then maybe my next reading material will be the transcripts of our conversations.

**Armie**

I’ll solve the mystery of Timmy chickenrice Chalamet, one non-capitalized word clue at a time.

**Timothee**

that'll make for good bedtime reading

**Timothee**

as if you didn't suffer enough the first time round

**Timothee**

anyway dude, as much as id love to keep annoying you for the rest of the night

**Timothee**

think i better go

**Armie**

Yeah, I keep wondering why I can’t see anything and realizing my eyes have slid closed.

**Timothee**

yep what a guy always loves to hear

**Timothee**

(did get a message back though from that match, fyi. so i guess round two tomorrow)

**Timothee**

cant possibly go worse can it? :)

**Armie**

You never know, maybe this time you’ll be lucky enough to draw the axe murderer from the pool.

**Armie**

That’s cool though. I wish you good conversation, tasty beverage, and no murder.

**Timothee**

maybe ill try my lucky green vest after all

**Armie**

I’d pay to see that. Make sure you take a selfie.

**Armie**

Okay, you’ve put up with my bad jokes long enough. Goodnight, Timmy.

**Timothee**

night, brutha


	9. You Are Bland and Average

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _As you forge bonds with your clients, you may be tempted to share parts of your life with them._
> 
> _Don’t._
> 
> _They aren’t your new friend; they’re paying you to help them find love. So resist the urge to talk about your family, your hopes and dreams, the quirks that make you who you are. It’s okay to share some dating stories (it gives you legitimacy and humanity) but otherwise, stick to the script, and if you do share, stick to the surface. Only the bland, average things that don’t distinguish you from anyone else._

**Armie**

Good morning. I have an important question.

**Armie**

I was wondering what you’re allowed to eat for breakfast.

**Armie**

I’m trying to imagine how chicken, rice, and broccoli can approximate any kind of reasonable morning food group.

**Armie**

I must know.

* * *

**Timothee**

fuck me, you wake up early

**Timothee**

hope the three hr wait for an answer hasn't killed ur thirst for knowledge

**Timothee**

breakfast of cooked chicken breast is fine when you eat it at mid day :p

**Timothee**

usually its a green smoothie - no chicken, sadly. but yes broccoli and yes rice and yes to all the other leafy greens and yes to hating my life choices

**Armie**

Hmmmm.

**Armie**

Well, in the three hours you left me hanging (also in what universe is eight-thirty AM early?) I’ve been doing some research on my own.

**Armie**

I think I could make you something tastier than that.

**Timothee**

you'd have to cross check it with my trainer, i cant be going rogue armie!

**Timothee**

indulge me though, what ya makin?

**Timothee**

wanna know a dirty secret too?

**Armie**

Dirty secret first, and then I’ll reveal your breakfast.

**Timothee**

lied to my mom

**Timothee**

so now im three layers into a six stack

**Timothee**

ive no immediate regret

**Armie**

Did Momma Chalamet make them? At noon? She loves you.

**Timothee**

'm her favorite boy

**Timothee**

so whats on the menu three doors down?

**Armie**

**Armie**

I experimented.

**Armie**

It’s an egg-white omelette with spinach and feta cheese. I had an apple with it.

**Timothee**

that looks so good!

**Timothee**

i dunno how to make omelettes

**Timothee**

you seem full of natural kitchen talent :(

**Armie**

Truth? I’ve always liked to mess around in the kitchen, but until isolation I basically had a handful of go-to dishes. (Chili and lasagna were among them.) Then I had to be less picky about what I was buying because of people hoarding and needing to go to whichever market had good supplies, and since I had more time at home…

**Armie**

I like to cook.

**Timothee**

started so well on the twin thing at the beginning of your story... ;)

**Timothee**

i too like to mess around in kitchens

**Timothee**

but you lost me at _go-to dishes_

**Timothee**

and again at _lasagnA_

**Timothee**

do you wear a cute apron?

**Armie**

I have *an* apron. Not sure if it’s cute. There are no ruffles, if that’s what you’re thinking.

**Armie**

And you’re still young. When I was your age I think I could grill a steak decently well and that was it. The rest — including the ancient secrets of the versatile omelette — came with age and wisdom.

**Timothee**

‘when i was your age’ - okay granpa. sorry we don’t ride dinosaurs anymore

**Timothee**

anyway ive seen your pic you can't fool me with that old man shit. we’re like… the same age or somethin…

**Armie**

Maybe I’m a vampire, and only my soul ages.

**Armie**

I appreciate the compliment, but I’m definitely older than you.

**Timothee**

ah weve taken a step back from cannibalism to just drinking the blood of virgins i see.

**Timothee**

thats how you keep that youthful glow about you.

**Armie**

Exactly. But at least you’re safe. ;)

**Armie**

In case you’re actually asking, I’m 33. I’ve got nearly a decade of wisdom and experience on you. So you should take everything I say as gospel, of course. I’ve seen it all.

  
  


**Timothee**

33, why yes - that is as old as time itself.

**Timothee**

then riddle me this oh wise one

**Timothee**

what idiot thought a high carb breakfast on a low carb diet would be a good idea?

**Timothee**

moreover urgh why would a mom listen to such a fool?

**Armie**

You should have come over here three hours ago, you would have had my omelette instead.

**Armie**

Maybe lie down for a bit?

**Timothee**

mind if i show your msg to my mom?

**Timothee**

feel like your care-response is more what hers should have been

**Timothee**

rather than ‘i didnt force feed you timmy, you’re not a goose’

**Armie**

I think I like your mom.

**Timothee**

fine. go be her best friend.

**Armie**

You dumping me already?

**Armie**

**Armie**

Is it because I’m old and manage to pull muscles by breathing?

**  
Timothee**

o shit what did u do?

**  
Armie**

Wrenched my damned shoulder this morning drinking coffee. I don’t even know. So see, I already have to deal with that and you’re going to make my day worse?  
  


**Timothee**

ouch fuck. make sure you rest it up today

**Timothee**

no more swingin from chandeliers for you for a while

**Timothee**

start stretchin’ it out slowly tomorrow. ill send you on some stuff to help if you want.  
  


**Armie**

That would be great, actually

**Timothee**

plus side - that wounded soldier look is quite the winner for you

**Timothee**

adorable.

**Armie**

He called me adorable, I think he’s gonna stick around. ;)

* * *

**Armie**

Or...maybe not?

* * *

**Armie**

I’ll just wait here for you to realize the error of your ways and miss me.

* * *

**Timothee**

SHIT MAN hahahahaha

**Timothee**

sorry! my phone died and i didnt have a charger at my moms

**Timothee**

that sounds like such a bullshit lie but i swear down

**Timothee**

amazingly timed though - i wish i wasn’t serious.

**Armie**

It’s okay, I remember the lesson from last night. 

**Armie**

Timmy is a tease who likes me on edge.

**Timothee**

i make the wait worth it though

**Armie**

I’m sure you do.

**Armie**

You home now? What time is your date tonight?

**Armie**

(Unless you don’t want to talk about it at all with me, which I totally understand.)

  
  


**Timothee**

dya really wanna hear about it when you're not on the clock?

**Armie**

Well, you’re not looking for my coaching advice, you’re just telling a friend about it. Right?

**Timothee**

right

**Timothee**

but you dont have to listen

**Timothee**

unless u actually wanna kno

**Armie**

Sure. Let me live vicariously through your dating adventures until I bring myself out of retirement.

**Armie**

Which one did you choose?

**Timothee**

the one with the profile outside the Met??

**Timothee**

I mean i judge him a little but maybe theres a decent reason

**Timothee**

he had a beautiful face

**Armie**

Hmmm. Beautiful.

**Armie**

Okay.

**Timothee**

you agreeing with me, or…?

**Armie**

I’m neither agreeing nor disagreeing, just observing.

**Armie**

You have something against the Met?

**Timothee**

not like a personal vendetta or anything but its borderline douchey

**Timothee**

like imma go right ahead and assume hes not from ny

**Armie**

Hang on, making notes: Don’t go on about the Met or risk sounding douchey.

**Armie**

So what are you and Mr. September going to do? Bar for drinks again?

**Timothee**

we havent firmed up a plan of action

**Armie**

Are you letting him take charge, or is he waiting for you?

**Armie**

You should take charge, it sends the right message.

**Armie**

(Sorry, I started coaching. Didn’t mean to.)

**Timothee**

no imma take charge

**Timothee**

assert dat top energy :p

**Timothee**

but its still early. gotta play it cool

**Armie**

Make him think you’re busy doing something more exciting than talking to me, you mean.

**Timothee**

thats it, u get the idea :p

**Timothee**

whats on armies agenda today?

**Armie**

While you were ignoring me earlier (I mean, while your phone was charging) I went for a walk. Should have been a run, but...shoulder.

**Armie**

I talked to a few clients.

**Timothee**

wasnt ignoring u, my god so needy

**Armie**

And now I’m sitting here and

**Armie**

Never mind

**Timothee**

sorry i didnt mean that, please tell me

**Armie**

No it’s nothing

**Timothee**

no its something. why wont u tell me?

**Armie**

It’s not interesting. You wouldn’t be interested.

**Timothee**

boring things are my favorite

**Timothee**

tell me

**Armie**

Sometimes when I’m thinking a lot I just need to do something with my hands.

**Timothee**

armie! are you having a wank mid convo with me?????

**Armie**

NO

**Armie**

Jesus, what kind of creep do you think I am?

**Timothee**

think i just answered that...

**Armie**

If *that* was happening, you’d know about it because it wouldn’t be a solo activity.

**Armie**

(Kidding)

**Timothee**

…

**Timothee**

wtf is happening right now

**Timothee**

XD XD XD

**Timothee**

what are you doing then???

**Armie**

Okay, just reserve your judgment. Promise?

**Timothee**

cant promise that

**Timothee**

against my nature

**Timothee**

but i can keep silent, so go for it

**Armie**

I find knots fascinating.

**Armie**

And kind of soothing.

**Armie**

So I’m playing with some rope. It helps me think.

**Timothee**

and this isnt a euphemism?

**Armie**

<photo>

_For reader reference: bound ankle_

**Armie**

See? That’s a single column tie

**Timothee**

oh.

* * *

**Armie**

Are you...still there?

**Timothee**

yeah sorry

**Timothee**

mm, like your tattoo :)

**Timothee**

what does it say??

  
  


**Armie**

Oh, yeah. I’ve had that tattoo a long time. Since high school.

**Armie**

It’s my only one, though I’ve been thinking about getting another.

**Armie**

It’s cyrillic. It’s my last name. Because that’s how much of a rebel I was against my family, ha. I thought I’d show them by getting a tattoo of *their name*

**Timothee**

o shit, rebel

**Timothee**

realize i dont know your last name

**Timothee**

fucking ignorant of me, sorry

**Timothee**

so, hey armie - im timothee…

**Timothee**

no wait thats not how people share their surnames lolol

**Timothee**

ok just tell me please

**Armie**

Ha

**Armie**

It’s Hammer

**Armie**

You’ve been fairly decent about Armand, so I’ll give you a couple of free shots on Hammer.

**Timothee**

fuck no

**Timothee**

its weirdly fitting

**Timothee**

armand though… man, i could go for _days_

**Timothee**

armand hammer… oh shoot! why did i say i wouldnt take shots at this damnnn

**Timothee**

uhhh, so, why knots? (i guess ‘why not’, right hahaha)

**Timothee**

is it some weird surname based DIY fetish?

**Armie**

I knew you couldn’t resist

**Armie**

I just like knots. I like the way the rope feels and looks and functions.

  
  


**Timothee**

dude u have me weirdly hooked here

**Timothee**

so its not like… a sex thing? 

**Timothee**

or… is it?

**Armie**

It’s not a _just_ sex thing.

**Armie**

But if I’m being totally honest, I do sometimes enjoy a little rope. Occasionally. 

**Armie**

And Timmy closes out the chat in 3-2-1…

**Timothee**

hahaha

**Timothee**

take more than that armie :)

**Timothee**

it’s like a self soothing thing?

**Armie**

It started that way, I think. My dad made me learn all kinds of practical knots and it was just something I did when I was bored. That part is almost a habit. If I’m looking for something to do with my hands, I’ll grab a length and start twisting.

**Armie**

Later, I became more interested in knotting as art, and that’s when I started experimenting with it in other ways.

**Timothee**

super personal question?

**Armie**

Sure. 

**Timothee**

whats your favourite knot? :p

**Armie**

That *is* personal. ;) It depends on whether you mean aesthetically or practically?

**Armie**

Aesthetically, I like a flower weave as part of a chest harness. Google it.

**Timothee**

k, one second

**Timothee**

oh wow

**Timothee**

thats waaay more intricate than i was imagining

**Armie**

The more intricate it is, the more challenging to execute properly.

**Timothee**

i guess. man this is fascinating. 

**Armie**

Hang on, writing that down: Timmy thinks the knots are fascinating.

**Armie**

Maybe playing with knots would work for you, too. You said you need things to keep you grounded sometimes. Or do you just rely on doing dancer-type things when you’ve got energy to work out?

  
  


**Timothee**

quick question first?

**Armie**

Sure?

**Timothee**

_where_ the fuck are you making all these notes?

**Armie**

In my psycho murderer notebook

**Armie**

Where else?

**Armie**

Hey I warned you in the first act about my fascination with butchery and meat, can’t help it if you forgot about that foreshadowing.

**Armie**

(Kidding)

**Timothee**

okaaay...imma just go right ahead and get my mom a new place…

**Timothee**

:p

**Timothee**

anyway yeah dancing is super grounding for me. if im looking for something quiet ill do some warmups, core basics etc. but if ive a fuck ton of energy, ill either try something new or partner up for challenges?

**Armie**

Tell me more about your dancing. What kind of dancer are you? If I were to come to see you perform at some point, am I looking at, like...Swan Lake or something modern and incomprehensible?

**Timothee**

im whatever people need me to be. im multi talented :)

**Armie**

Of COURSE you are… ;)

**Timothee**

when i was younger i did a lot of ballet (shocker that im gay)

**Timothee**

then i moved to tap and interpretive to get the teenage angst out (again, gay angst clearly)

**Timothee**

mid teens i started more street stuff, breakdancing, hip hop, bit of parkour style stuff

**Timothee**

so yeah whatever they need, ill bring

**Timothee**

the show i was cast in pre-isolation was a hiphop ballet type of thing. all very save the last dance

**Timothee**

pretty sure it was ripped off if im honest

**Timothee**

(kidding)

**Armie**

That’s my line, but I’ll loan it to you a while if you’re careful with it.

**Armie**

Hmmmmm

**Timothee**

i handle things v delicately i promise

**Armie**

Sorry. You’ll have to give me a minute.

**Armie**

My brain is short-circuiting at the idea of you breakdancing.

**Armie**

And the hip hop too, a little.

**Armie**

I’d pay to see that. As would other people, since you had the work...

**Timothee**

**< video>**

_For reader reference:_ [ https://youtu.be/zj63um0XTlQ?t=147 ](https://youtu.be/zj63um0XTlQ?t=147)

**Timothee**

obv thats me on the left, the guy in the middle is my main dance partner

* * *

**Timothee**

um… hi? did that send or no?

**Armie**

Oh, it sent.

**Armie**

Wow. 

**Armie**

Fuck, Timmy, that’s…

**Armie**

You *did* tell me you were known for your flexibility.

**Armie**

How do you...roll your body...like that?

**Timothee**

years of painstaking practice haha

**Timothee**

shot that last week, the guy who messed with my cap was the one who kept pushin me to sign up with you guys.

**Armie**

Remind me to send *him* a gift basket. 

**Timothee**

Hahahaha

**Armie**

Seems like a decent partner though. Is it more or less fun to work with people like that?

**Timothee**

he’s great yeah, weve been dancing together for years and without sounding cheesy or something we look good when its just the two of us, him being big and blonde and all.

**Timothee**

ummm, its a different kind of fun? frustrations are different and there is nothing worse than when youve nailed it and they fuck up

**Timothee**

or vice versa but you know i never make mistakes :p

**Timothee**

but its humbling in a way that being on your own with your own ego isnt

**Armie**

Yeah, it’s hard to depend on other people sometimes. That’s true in any industry, or really all of life. I’m lucky that Nate and Andy — the guys who own the app with me — are guys I can trust to have their shit together.

**Armie**

Though I bet it’s even more important to trust your partner when you’re dealing with something physical, right?

**Timothee**

amount of times i’ve put that dude to the floor doesn’t bear thinking about

**Timothee**

so yeah haha. especially like the parkour type stuff, because a lot of that we practiced together using each other as, like, obstacles or targets or whatever.

**Timothee**

done some like partnered aerial work with him before too (thats his kinda jam) and obviously you wanna be 100% in the game with that, don’t wanna leave that margin for error.

**Armie**

Fuck, that must be something to see.

**Armie**

It’s good you can trust him like that.

**Timothee**

physically, i trust him with my life, yeah.

**Armie**

Just physically?

**Timothee**

yeah?... i don’t think i really trust anyone emotionally

**Armie**

You said in your survey that you’ve never really been in a relationship...maybe you’ve never had the chance to reach that level of trust with someone.

**Timothee**

Its funny because i feel like a real open book, you know? like i can’t mask anything

**Timothee**

so it confuses me why i seem to struggle with intimacy so much?

**Timothee**

its like theres a… box, in my head, full of all the important shit and to make sure noone reaches it, i throw everything else out there for them to wade through….

**Timothee**

dont think ive ever really acknowledged that before, out loud.

**Armie**

I get that. I do. We all put on a performance of some kind. It’s hard to feel safe.

**Armie**

When I coach people, I really try to help them feel like they can share their authentic selves with me, as much as that is possible in this sort of situation. 

**Armie**

And with you, I think...for the first time, the reverse happened. I feel like I can be open with you. So if for some reason you feel safe here with me? I promise to do my best to keep it that way.

**Timothee**

you’re not like this with everyone??

**Armie**

Believe it or not, I too get nervous about sharing too much with people. I stopped dating, remember?

**Armie**

And I have definitely never gained an actual friend through the coaching process.

**Timothee**

honoured to be your first

**Armie**

You know, you were asking me about the knotting before…

 **Armie**

And a lot of that is about expressing trust you have with your partner. It’s like...you have to trust your dance partner if you’re doing something physical? Pretty much the same thing.

**Timothee**

on a way more vulnerable scale though?

**Armie**

Maybe, that depends on exactly what you’re doing. But if I’m with a partner and he allows me to bind him — or the other way around — we’re telling each other that we trust each other to make decisions on our behalf and keep us safe.

**Timothee**

i mean, i get the … _allure_ , i guess... of being the one to tie someone up

**Timothee**

like to be in control or whatever, but i think i’d struggle to trust someone to tie me up and not just…. fuck off.

**Armie**

You definitely need to trust your partner. But when you do, it’s an incredible thing, for both. I know when I’m the rigger, my focus is not on me and what I want. It’s not about my control. It’s about how letting me have control allows my partner to be free. I think that’s the real allure.

**Timothee**

and you prefer that? being the rigger (thats the binding person?)

**Armie**

Yeah, usually. But I like it the other way, I just don’t usually have a partner confident enough or willing enough to pull it off the other way around.

**Armie**

The last thing you want is to be restrained and have a guy ask you what to do next, ha. Kind of kills the sense of freedom.

**Timothee**

ha, right.

**Timothee**

i never really thought about there being freedom in restraint… 

**Timothee**

then again i never really thought about being the one in control but not having *that* be the draw of it… 

**Timothee**

this whole idea has me fucked up

**Armie**

Well, when you’re actually unrestrained — especially if you’re topping, but even when you’re not — you usually have to make a bunch of decisions, right?

**Armie**

Which way do I move? Is this good? Does he like this?

**Timothee**

that would imply that you give a shit about them, but yeah ;)

**Timothee**

(kidding)

**Armie**

:)

**Armie**

When you’re unable to move, you don’t have to make any of those decisions. You can’t. You get to completely turn the wheel over to someone else, and that can be a huge relief, and let you really focus on enjoying yourself and not on worrying about anything else.

**Armie**

Not sure if that makes sense or resonates, but…

**Timothee**

and you dont worry? that something bad will happen?

**Armie**

That’s where the trust comes in. I don’t ever recommend playing like that with someone you don’t trust. But if you’re looking to express a level of...intimacy...with someone, or deepen it, that can be a way to do it.

**Timothee**

so what youre saying is, go out there and find me a man who knows his way around a knot or two?

**Armie**

Ha, well, maybe. I was more making a point that physical trust can be tied up with emotional trust, if you let it.

**Armie**

No pun intended.

**Timothee**

haha, yea i get it.

**Timothee**

speaking of the physical though, wanna see a cool vid we made?

**Armie**

Yes please, right away.

**Timothee**

Haha

**Timothee**

<Video>

_For reader reference:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E49fRpEOa3s>_

**Armie**

You’re going to give me a heart attack. Is that parkour? How are you not breaking your fucking neck on some of those stunts?

**Timothee**

dude, with skills like that? i could land on a pin head :)

**Armie**

If you say so. I’m just here biting through my lip.

**Armie**

So while I make sure my vitals are okay, talk to me about what made you want to dance in the first place? 

**Armie**

Feel free to go on for a while.

**Timothee**

mom

**Timothee**

thats what _made_ me in the first place

**Timothee**

she wanted me on the stage

**Timothee**

not in like a dick way though, just she obviously saw the true raw talent ;)

**Timothee**

but theres no way i was gonna be an actor so… dance. 

**Armie**

And what about it made you decide to keep it up?

**Timothee**

good at it?

**Timothee**

i find it peaceful, like i said. there’s not really anywhere id rather be than in the studio infront of the mirror fucking up over and over until something clicks

**Timothee**

i like playing with the aesthetic of the way the body moves

**Timothee**

challenging it

**Timothee**

being on stage is great too but thats just because the world we live in means we gots bills to payyy

**Timothee**

ideally id just do it away from crowds, for my own self?

**Armie**

See, this is what I was talking about.

**Timothee**

what?

**Armie**

You’ve got that thing. That passion for something, that’s just for you.

**Armie**

It’s what makes you so interesting.

**Timothee**

ha thanks.

**Timothee**

you have too. you're more intriguing, i think.

**Armie**

Doubt it. I’m a former “Wall St. Basic Bore,” isn’t that how you described it in your survey?

**Timothee**

...you're a what

**Armie**

Yup. Until the isolation and the market crashed and I got laid off.

**Armie**

Disappointed in me?

**Armie**

Ready to lose my number?

**Timothee**

disappointed, no

**Timothee**

oddly turned on, yes

**Timothee**

you have me all the way fucked up armieeeeee

**Timothee**

HOW COME YOURE NOT BORING

**Timothee**

some of them areee kinda secretly kinky though so maybe i should have known

**Armie**

Sorry I destroyed your stereotypes but glad you don’t think I’m boring.

**Armie**

It was never really the right life for me anyway. I wasn’t in love with the hours.

**Armie**

Money was nice, though. Let me travel and do things I wanted.

**Timothee**

what did you do in your big corporate other life?

**Timothee**

do they even make suits in your size?

**Timothee**

man… i’d have avoided you like the plague before the… well, plague.

**Armie**

They do not make suits in my size. Not good ones, anyway. Custom tailoring only.

**Armie**

My lack of other wardrobe does not apply to my suits. Suits I have. Not that I wear them much these days.

**Armie**

Hey, it’s fucking getting dark, what time is it? ...wait a second. When is your date? Shouldn’t you be getting ready? What did you decide to do?

**Timothee**

as a high fashion expert, picture evidence of such exquisite tailoring would be appreciated

**Timothee**

oh - my date - yeah i took the lead like you said and told him fuck tonight lol

**Timothee**

we can do it tomorrow

**Armie**

Sorry if that’s my fault. If I kept you from other shit.

**Timothee**

no, ive been having fun

**Armie**

Oh, good. That’s good.

**Armie**

Hang on a second let me go into my closet.

**Armie**

**Timothee**

*makes huge man huge closet joke*

**Timothee**

armie you and i both know i know what a store front looks like

**Timothee**

show me the real goods please

**Armie**

Those are my suits. I swear.

**Armie**

It’s boring to wear the same thing every day when it’s something like that.

**Armie**

Look I’ll prove it to you, I'm sure I have a couple of photos on my phone somewhere.

**Armie**

**Armie**

**Armie**

**Timothee**

okay first of all

**Timothee**

do grooms hate you? they probably hate you, right?

**Timothee**

second of all

**Timothee**

those gift baskets youre so keen on?

**Timothee**

send one to your tailor please.

**Timothee**

actually second thoughts - don't. hes been up close with your inseam, hes blessed enough.

**Armie**

Grooms hate me because…

**Armie**

(And I’m glad you like the suits)

**Timothee**

because theyre tryin to get someone down the aisle and youre stood there looking like a fuckin’ BUFFET

**Armie**

Does it redeem me a little? From the two belts and five sweaters crime?

**Timothee**

a little

**Timothee**

whos the guy in the fancy three piece?

**Timothee**

someone not afraid of an unironic watch chain anyway. like it.

**Armie**

Oh, that’s Brian.

**Timothee**

...i waited a decent amount but seems thats all the info you’re giving

**Timothee**

whos brian?

**Armie**

He’s the last guy I dated before I decided to fly solo.

**Armie**

He hated that suit. I’m the one who picked it out.

**Armie**

How surprised are you now?

**Timothee**

far cry from your sweater taste

**Timothee**

did you pick it knowing he'd hate it?

**Timothee**

underhand tactics?

**Armie**

No, but I wish I had.

**Armie**

He just told me to pick something out and I did. I was wrong about what he would like.

**Armie**

Wasn’t the first time, wouldn’t be the last.

**Timothee**

why did it end?

**Timothee**

apart from your inability to meet his attire needs, ofc

  
  


**Armie**

We weren’t right for each other. And he decided he was right for someone else.

**Armie**

It was true that we just weren’t...I always felt like I was being less of what I wanted to fit him better. And probably vice versa, to be honest.

**Armie**

It wasn’t meant to last, and it didn’t. At least it made me realize I needed to figure out what I wanted before continuing to fish blind.

**Timothee**

he cheated on you???

**Timothee**

the fuck???

**Armie**

In his eyes, it wasn’t cheating, it was shopping around.

**Armie**

His words, not mine.

**Timothee**

wow.

**Timothee**

if something doesnt fit you gotta bring it back before you exchange, fucking knob

**Timothee**

can i hate him mercilessly on your behalf?

**Armie**

By all means. 

**Armie**

Funny thing? When it ended I wasn’t even mad. I was more relieved than anything else. Offended and betrayed, sure, but also kind of...we didn’t fit, as you said.

**Armie**

Now *he* was your Wall St. Basic Bore. If such a thing exists, Brian was it.

**Timothee**

did he keep his receipts?

**Timothee**

did he put them in a little shoe box to tally at the end of the month?

**Timothee**

did he read financial journals and pretend to GIVE A FUCK

**Timothee**

armie im so glad you're single, if that was your alternative life.

**Armie**

Better. He had an app on his phone that digitally read his receipts and filed them electronically in the cloud. He wrote for financial journals...and was always annoyed with me that I wasn’t.

**Armie**

And he wasn’t into the things I was into, basically at all.

**Armie**

Fucking hell, this is what I mean. I don’t even know why we got together in the first place, and why we stayed together at all. Even on paper it was a bad idea.

**Armie**

Realizing that is what made me understand how little I knew about what I needed.

**Timothee**

how long were you together?

**Armie**

A little less than a year?

**Armie**

Yeah, because we were arguing about taking a trip together. He wanted to go to Vermont and I wanted to go to Budapest.

**Armie**

All the signs were there, I just didn’t care enough or was too distracted to read them.

  
  


**Timothee**

one day you'll meet someone who’d show up to a wedding in a mad suit of your choosing and be delighted about it.

**Armie**

That’s the dream, man. “Mad suit” and all.

**Armie**

Thanks. :)

**Timothee**

anytime. its nice to know you have your shit together.

**Timothee**

until then, i can annoy you by keeping you company, oh, literally ALL DAY

**Timothee**

jesus armie man im sorry, you did not sign up for this last night

**Armie**

Sure I did. I could have left your messages unread and just closed out the link if I didn’t want to keep talking to you. 

**Armie**

You do realize I wanted to keep talking to you, right?

**Timothee**

yes :)

**Timothee**

flatteringly so

**Armie**

Good. ;)

**Armie**

Otherwise I’d have to conclude you’re not as smart as I thought you were.

**Timothee**

im so smart

**Timothee**

S-m-r-t

**Armie**

Kid, you tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

**Armie**

(Kidding. Vowels are for suckers)

**Armie**

Apparently, sleep is also for suckers. We shouldn’t do a repeat of last night. Don’t want you to be too tired to go out on your hot date with the beautiful man a second night in a row.

**Timothee**

urgh i know youre right, i wanna look fresh

**Timothee**

u remember his face afterall …

**Timothee**

but im not mad i moved it. ended up with a pretty good day date situation.

**Timothee**

like how they did it back in the olden times of isolation

**Armie**

Ah yes, Isolation Courtship. Conversation, confession, the sharing of photos…

**Armie**

The only thing it lacks is the opportunity to see what your date would look like with their limbs wrapped in silk knots.

**Armie**

(Kidding)

**Timothee**

ah yes, downside for you

**Timothee**

what was the name of that first knot you told me again?

**Armie**

Single column tie?

**Timothee**

**Timothee**

mmm, yeah. its a tricky one.

**Timothee**

night armie :) :) :)

**Armie**

Wait. 

**Armie**

Tim?

**Armie**

Wtf, get back here.

**Armie**

Did you tie that yourself?

* * *

**Armie**

Such a fucking tease.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick shoutout: There's a bit here that unintentionally overlaps with some moments in trashfortimmy's epic ["Quarantine and Chill"](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1686802) series. Great minds and all...she's cool with it, but you should go read that (or reread it)...after all, who doesn't love a little quarantine chat about bondage...
> 
> Videos are for reference only so you can see what we see ;) sadly, timmy wouldn't send us the ones we asked him for.


	10. Mixing Business and Pleasure Is A Terrible Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You may find, after working with your coaching colleagues and supervisors for a while, that you enjoy spending time with them and want to engage in activities outside of work. This is fine, and encouraged. Just remember, if you overlap business and recreation too much, it can be hard to keep them separate. Do not allow personal conflict to interfere with your work._

****

**From: Appointment Keeper**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
**

_Nate (CEO)_ has scheduled a meeting.

When: _Tuesday, November 17 at 11:00 AM (EDT)_

Location: _Nate’s Loft (40 Mercer St., New York, NY)_

Agenda: _Coaching Module — Developer Meeting_

This meeting has been placed on your calendar. Click here to message the organizer, decline the meeting, or suggest a new time.

* * *

**From: Appointment Keeper**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

_  
Nate (CEO)_ has scheduled a meeting.

When: _Thursday, November 19 at 7:30PM (EDT)_

Location: _Balthazar_

Agenda: _Dinner_

This meeting has been placed on your calendar. Click here to message the organizer, decline the meeting, or suggest a new time. 

* * *

**From: Nate (CEO)**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
** Armz,

We’re set for Tuesday at eleven with the developer. Can you email me whatever you’ve put together by Tuesday 9AM? I trust you, obviously, I just don’t want to sound like an idiot during the meeting, so it would be a good idea to put my eyes on it beforehand. 

I sent a meeting request through the system. 

I also sent one for dinner Thursday night. 

About that...no need for any drastic action. It’s not a set up. Obviously, Jeremiah and I are hoping you’ll like Marcus. He’s a nice guy, and fun to be around. Last time we hung out, you came up in conversation, and basically, you could both use a new friend. 

If you ended up hitting it off in other ways, would that be such a tragedy? You’ve been out of the market long enough. Time to get back in the game and make some trades. 

You can’t win if you don’t play, am I right? Think of him like a blue-chip stock — medium risk and return.

Nate

* * *

**From: Armie (Snr Coach)**

**To: Nate (CEO)  
  
** Nate,

You asshole, I knew it was a fucking set up. You can say it’s not, and claim I need a “new friend,” but that’s just a way to package it. Look, I’ll have dinner with you, and I’ll be nice to the guy, but I’m not interested in dating a lawyer, no matter how much you and Jeremiah think he’s “fun to be around.”

(Also, dude, how many times have I told you not to use investment terminology to describe dating, or people in general? It’s creepy, man. Hey, did you know that some guys call us “Wall St. Basic Bores”? Let’s not make them right, okay?)

You might be right about one thing: I might be ready to get back out there. This time, though, I’ve got a pretty clear idea of what I’m looking for. I’ve been fortunate enough to recently catch a glimpse of the kind of guy I need, and I won’t settle. Not anymore. 

You’ll have a module proposal by Tuesday morning, and you can make this up to me by buying my first drink on Thursday night. Deal? 

Armie


	11. A Safe Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Ideally, the client will feel safe to be authentic with you so that you can best help them. After all, if they are putting up a front, they won’t be able to find a true match. In order to create this environment and foster a connection that will lead to authentic interactions, it is acceptable — and even advisable — to allow for off topic conversation with the client. Just be sure not to cross any ethical lines. Stay professional, and keep the focus on the client and not on you._

**Timothee**

good morning, is it safe to return? :p

**Armie**

You’re always safe here.

**Armie**

But if you mean have I forgotten how you left me last night…

**Armie**

I have not.

**Timothee**

don’t know what you mean

**Timothee**

thought i left quite politely

**Armie**

You left after throwing a grenade at me. But if that’s what we are calling “polite” in our little bubble, I can play by those rules.

**Timothee**

simply wanted to show id been listening thats all

**Timothee**

maybeee online date coaching isnt the only coaching youre good at

**Timothee**

just giving you career inspo

**Armie**

Hmmm, true. I could teach a class.

**Armie**

I do have questions, however?

**Timothee**

damn you know theyre my favorite thing

**Armie**

Did you like...look that up and practice it while we were talking?

**Armie**

Or did you already know how to do it? Are you secretly a Shibari master?

**Timothee**

hahaha dude we both know the answer to that

**Timothee**

sorry to disappoint

**Armie**

Just making sure all of my impressions of you aren’t wildly misplaced.

**Armie**

It looked good, though. You may have a natural talent if you chose to pursue it further.

**Armie**

Also...you have tiny ankles.

**Timothee**

if small things impress you then im the full package lol

**Armie**

I’m pretty sure I could wrap my hand around your ankle and there would be overlap.

**Armie**

What have you been up to this morning? Or are you just waking up?

**Timothee**

just up

**Timothee**

busy day ahead date preppin

**Timothee**

wash my hair, do my nails…

**Armie**

You really want to impress this guy.

**Armie**

That’s the real reason you canceled yesterday, to give yourself more prep time…

**Timothee**

busted

**Timothee**

wanna help me pick an outfit?

**Armie**

You trust me to do that? ;)

**Timothee**

figure whichever you decide, ill pick the other :p

**Armie**

Good strategy. Okay, what are your options?

**Timothee**

Option a - smart casual

**Timothee**

Option b - more casual?? maybe??

**Armie**

Hmmmm….

**Timothee**

is two too many choices old guy?

**Armie**

I’m just trying to figure out what to say about them.

**Armie**

Without appreciating your looks, since I know you don’t like that…

**Timothee**

ah haha touche

**Timothee**

well since it only affects my immediate future and not my whole life you can appreciate whatever you want

**Armie**

Can you explain that a little more?

**Armie**

I’m just curious...where does this come from? Is it because you think if someone is into how you look they won’t look past that?

**Timothee**

to a degree?

**Timothee**

douchebaaaag incoming; i know my face is attractive

**Timothee**

because ive heard it all my life

**Timothee**

as if its something that excuses me from literally anything else i do

**Timothee**

‘oh you mugged that old lady? wow, youre lucky she didnt scratch you with her bag, timmy!”

**Timothee**

y’kno the kinda thing

**Timothee**

partly why i ignored my moms dreams of me becoming an actor. she reeeally pushed for that (no, really, you should have seen her taking on these scouts and whatnot. HILARIOUS)

**Timothee**

but i didnt want a profession that relied on my face, or rather, one where my talent wouldnt matter.

**Timothee**

i chose dancing because you can’t fake it. you’re either good or you’re out. no amount of soft camera lighting will make a fuck of a differnce. 

**Timothee**

i wanted to know i got where i am because i earned it and deserve to be there on merit. 

**Timothee**

which probably sounds so … urgh man i hate myself… like boo hoo poor timmy and his hard life

**Timothee**

but… hopefully you get what i mean. 

**Timothee**

buuut since i know you also think im hilarious, charming, smrt, talented… the list goes on… you may appreciate my looks this one time

**Armie**

No, that makes sense.

**Armie**

And it’s kind of...admirable. That you wouldn’t just take something you know you have and use that, but instead look for other things that you can develop and earn.

**Timothee**

assuming you did the same when abercrombie came knocking at your door

**Armie**

Obviously.

**Armie**

I laughed in their faces and said “nah, I think I’ll go learn how to read lots of columns of numbers and somehow use them to predict the future of financial markets”

**Timothee**

hahahaha. sexier option fr.

**Armie**

I would like to emphasize in advance of what I’m about to say that I don’t *just* appreciate your face.

**Timothee**

ive a banging body too

**Armie**

Basically, you show up to my door in either of those outfits, we aren’t going to make it very far.

**Armie**

And so it might not matter which you choose. Mr. September is going to take one look at you, ask for the check, and offer to make you breakfast in the morning.

**Timothee**

youre ridiculous :)

**Timothee**

but thank you.

**Timothee**

hmmmm enough about me

**Timothee**

you havent given me armies menu del dia or told me what epic plans you have for later.

**Armie**

No epic plans. It’s funny, isn’t it...we were in isolation so long, wishing we could get out and do things, and now that I can, I never know what to go and do.

**Armie**

Part of it is not having people to go out and do things *with*, I guess. But I also feel like I’m out of fucking practice. Time was I barely spent any time in my apartment and it’s like I’ve forgotten what is out in the world.

**Timothee**

nah dude dont be so hard on yourself i think a lot of us are the same

**Timothee**

took me a lot of force to start going out again and even now, i took two jobs where i work from home

**Timothee**

okay, pre isolation, what did you do for fun? take me through the best weekend you remember?

**Armie**

Depends on what you mean by best…

**Armie**

I’ve had a number of epic forty-eight hour periods. In New York and while traveling.

**Timothee**

i bet :p

 **Armie**

But I think the ones that stand out are the ones where there weren’t any real plans and things kind of just...unfolded.

**Armie**

More exciting that way.

**Armie**

Once, I met Lamar Odom at a bar in midtown on a Friday and ended up partying with him and a bunch of people until Sunday.

**Timothee**

omg what????

**Timothee**

where? when? dude i bet that was lit

**Timothee**

thats not what wall st basic bores get up to, what the hell?

**Armie**

A couple of years ago. It was insane.

**Armie**

And a perfect example of how being open to whatever can lead to great things.

**Timothee**

was he cool to chill with?

**Armi**

He was surprisingly down to earth.

**Armie**

What about you? What’s the most wtf thing that has ever happened to you?

**Timothee**

um well ykno being in the circles im in, ive had plenty celeb meets or whatever - some i couldnt put in writing but remind me one day ;)

**Timothee**

but i think the most wtf thing is probably when me and my friend went out to buy some beers before headin to a party and ended up in milan??

**Armie**

As in, left your place in NY and wound up on another continent?!

**Timothee**

pretty much

**Timothee**

hes a wild card

**Timothee**

we’d gone to go get drinks, we had like i dunno 10 dollars or something between us so he was like lemme hit up my brother real quick

**Timothee**

his brother worked at this CLEARLY LEGIT casino place

**Armie**

Ah, the totally legal and not-at-all-underground kind.

**Timothee**

u kno the vibe

**Timothee**

anyway score the cash and on our way out i hear my friend like ‘yo fuck it’

**Timothee**

turn around and hes put it all on the roulette table and im like THE FUCK

**Timothee**

like this couple hundred it all we had and this was menna be a lit weekend

**Timothee**

(also we were like 19… but i guess the whole place was illegal so…???)

**Timothee**

anyway, course it fuckin came up

**Timothee**

here we were, two fuckin kids with a ton of cash (i still dont understand roulette… or odds… or gambling at all) and he was like fuck it (fav phrase) lets go to the airport

**Timothee**

so we did. and that was the cheapest flight outta there that night. 

**Timothee**

we had like max 30 hours on the ground hahaha

**Timothee**

a _joke_.

**Armie**

Wild.

**Armie**

So I guess you just carry your passport everywhere? Wait, are you one of those kids who grew up in New York and never got a driver’s license?

**Timothee**

i can drive.

**Timothee**

and no, we went home on the way - can’t you tell from the story how smart we were?

**Armie**

Too bad you didn’t stick around Milan, though. 

**Timothee**

yeah ikr.

**Armie**

You’ll have to go back for real someday.

**Armie**

What’s your favorite place you’ve traveled?

**Armie**

(I mean, assuming you’ve been other places that you’ve actually seen…)

**Timothee**

well, as a dancer they pay you to go a lot of places

**Timothee**

fave will always be france though, back to the …. fatherland??

**Armie**

I like France too. :)

**Armie**

It’s your dad who’s French, then?

**Timothee**

you’re a smart man armie im sure you know how marriage works :p

**Timothee**

with a last name like chalamet???

**Armie**

Okay, JUST your dad is French, then?

**Armie**

Is that better? ;)

**Timothee**

;) yes just my dad

**Armie**

Do you still have family in France, or is this heritage a lot further back?

**Armie**

I’m part Russian, but I don’t have any connections there anymore.

**Timothee**

all my dads side are still there. He met my mom when he was on business in ny

**Timothee**

apparently she stole his cab and his heart blabla romantic french bullshit

**Timothee**

new york translation - she stepped over him and sold her firstborn to get that cab hahaha

**Timothee**

oo russian huh...

**Armie**

I think I am in love with both of your parents

**Armie**

Russian, da

**Armie**

That an issue for you? Did you have a run in with the Russian mafia and swear off Russians for life or something? It was that underground casino, wasn’t it?

**Timothee**

other than russians always being fucking awesome dancers, no ive no issue

**Timothee**

did that lucky gene pass down to you?

**Timothee**

(you fell for my mom, then my dad, what next, you gonna aim straight for my gran cos i can tell you now shes a hard nut to crack)

**Armie**

I’ve been told I have a way with the ladies.

**Armie**

Shame I can’t put that to better use.

**Armie**

And HA no, Armie cannot dance.

**Timothee**

well not with a defeatist attitude like that, no.

**Timothee**

man, to think of the number of girls hearts youve prob broken - wowee

**Armie**

I’m sure I’m not the only one. With cheekbones like yours? They probably don’t know whether to cry because they can’t have you or because they can’t have the cheekbones ;)

  
  
  


**Timothee**

yes for sure more people want to be me than have me

**Armie**

Also believe me, you don’t want me to try dancing. It is a horrible spectacle. People turn over in their graves. Not a good thing.

**Timothee**

k, so how about a trade off?

**Armie**

What did you have in mind?

**Armie**

(And I wouldn't be so sure about that other thing…)

**Timothee**

a challenge.

**Timothee**

7 days,

**Timothee**

i give you a dance move a day to master

**Timothee**

you give me a knot a day to master

**Timothee**

end of the week, winner is… well, i guess we will both be, i didnt think this through BUT there can be a prize which i will think about hahahaha

**Timothee**

you in?

**Armie**

Based on prior evidence, I think you have an advantage in this “challenge.”

**Armie**

And I think I should get to pick the prize, since I’m CLEARLY making myself much more vulnerable here. You just have to tie some knots, I have to, what...take videos of myself looking like a rhythmless golem?

**Armie**

Otherwise, the power is completely in your hands.

**Timothee**

ok, fair, the prize is your choice.

**Armie**

And will you send me videos demonstrating the moves and breaking them down?

**Timothee**

of course. as will you :p

**Armie**

Then I accept.

**Armie**

As long as you promise to pretend you aren’t laughing yourself into hyperventilation every day, watching me make an ass out of myself. Just pretend is all I ask.

**Timothee**

my mom will love you for making an actor of me finally

**Timothee**

promise.

**Armie**

Now I have to figure out exactly which knots to teach you. Some of it will be difficult without someone to practice on. I’ll have to think about what you can use as a substitute. Unless your Mr. September is into it.

**Timothee**

i cant just bind myself like yesterday?

**Armie**

For some, sure. But for others you’re meant to be binding limbs together or to another part of the body. And that’s a little trickier to practice.

**Armie**

**Armie**

For example.

**Timothee**

thats hot

**Timothee**

ill look forward to that demo vid :p

**Armie**

I’ll do my best :)

**Armie**

What are you planning to do with this newfound knowledge? Think you’ll find someone you might want to actually try it out with?

**Timothee**

urgh

**Timothee**

full disclosure?

**Armie**

Please

**Timothee**

i may exclusively top 

**Timothee**

but i have zero fuckin _dom_ energy

**Timothee**

lol

**Timothee**

and im not sure that you can really do this to someone without it?

**Armie**

You need to be able to be in control, because, like I said, it kind of ruins the mood (at least for me) if I have to tell someone what to do while restrained. It sort of defeats the purpose. If you’re in control, your partner will be able to relax.

**Armie**

But are you sure you don’t have it in you? It really is about confidence sometimes. I could…

**Armie**

Never mind.

**Timothee**

i dunno dude, maybe?

**Timothee**

full disclosure (again)?

**Armie**

Always.

**Timothee**

god this is embarrassing

**Timothee**

anyway i guess im like… what… a fear top or something??

**Timothee**

is that even a thing?

**Timothee**

i dont do it because im naturally drawn to it, infact i’m probably not suited to it but i don’t…

**Timothee**

i cant give the power to someone else.

**Armie**

Oh, Timmy

**Armie**

You have no idea what I’m feeling right now.

**Timothee**

i know, throwing away cool points here

**Armie**

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt such a strong urge to ~~protect~~ hug someone ever, I don’t think.

**Timothee**

hah, thanks man

**Timothee**

it makes this all very confusing for me though.

**Armie**

So...it seems like you don’t know this, but

**Armie**

You don’t actually have to give up power to bottom.

**Armie**

Or to sub, for that matter. It isn’t really about power at all, or not in that direction, anyway. If you’re with anyone worth anything, they’ll understand that too. 

**Armie**

For me, when I top, I am so completely focused on making things good for my partner. That’s like...the whole point. So the power doesn’t really lie with me.

**Timothee**

man ive never spoken to someone about sex like this ever so sorry if im….

**Armie**

Please don’t apologize. You can talk to me about anything.

**Timothee**

anyway

**Timothee**

i guess ive never had sex that wasnt… just sex?

**Timothee**

like obviously i’d want it to be good for them but …

**Timothee**

the guys ive fucked, i guess they’d all be … like im giving them what they want, right, so its fine, theyre in charge of it.

**Timothee**

and clearly im not gonna take advantage or hurt someone because… fucking look at me ha

**Timothee**

so its always just worked

**Timothee**

and i dont know why this is kinda sending me out right now, like…

**Timothee**

full disclosure?

(kidding, ive asked enough)

**Timothee**

don’t think i wanna be the person doing the tying here, and it makes me feel super fucking weird.

**Armie**

You mean you might want…

**Armie**

It’s okay to feel weird about it if you’ve never wanted something like that before. New things are scary.

**Armie**

How can I help you work through it?

**Timothee**

should i put in my profile “may be up for being bound, lets chat about it”? or you think that its too soon?

**Timothee**

;)

**Timothee**

i guess you already are helping by listening to me. Answering my questions. 

**Timothee**

fuckin virgin to the game here

**Timothee**

I mean, i guess it doesnt have to be about sex right? You could do this just… for fun?

**Armie**

Yeah, absolutely. For some people it isn’t about sex at all.

**Timothee**

hmm. maybe thats what i should try then, i guess. 

**Timothee**

when i meet someone.

**Timothee**

did you ever trust someone you wish you hadnt?

**Armie**

Well, yeah. Not in this sense, but I regret trusting Brian as much as I did.

**Armie**

And you know what? I’m still here. It sucked, and I got hurt, but it was just a little metaphorical bruising, nothing permanent.

**Armie**

I’m going to ask you a question, and if it’s too...something you can tell me to change the subject, okay?

**Timothee**

okay

**Armie**

If you’re intrigued enough by this to want to try it, but not in a circumstance where sex was on the table...like, you didn’t want to make yourself that vulnerable but wanted to see what it felt like

**Armie**

If we were friends who hung out in real life and whatever, and I offered to do that for you...would you let me?

**Timothee**

haha

**Timothee**

if you were one of my real life friends, fuck no. they’d leave me on a roof somewhere.

**Timothee**

but jokes apart, weirdly - given the fact we met like a minute ago - i think i would?

**Armie**

Yeah, it feels funny to me that we’ve “known” each other less than a week. What is that?

**Armie**

So if you think you’d say yes if I asked, then I have a follow up question.

**Armie**

Forget about the ropes for a minute. Think about what you’re feeling that makes you think you’d say yes. Why?

**Timothee**

so, no sex or ropes but you ask me to do something and you wanna know why i’d do it?

**Armie**

Yeah

**Timothee**

i dont think you’d hurt me..

**Armie**

So as much as I’d like to see you in ropes, I’m not sure that’s really what you’re wanting here.

**Armie**

I think you’re looking for someone to trust. That intimacy that we talked about...whenever we talked about it.

**Armie**

...and thank you. For the trust.

**Timothee**

np

**Timothee**

so you think my sudden rope fascination is just… ? proxy interest because its your interest?

**Timothee**

like, because you like it, and i trust you, my brain assumes ill like it??

**Timothee**

interesting…

**Armie**

I…

**Armie**

Well, if we were together, I’d want to try it with you, because there’s a decent chance you *would* like it

**Armie**

But more because it would be a representation of trust.

**Armie**

So...yes. It’s possible that you’re fixating on that because you’re leaning in to the way you’ve opened yourself up here. With me. Letting yourself be seen by someone can be a rush, when it’s reciprocated.

**Timothee**

is it for you?

**Timothee**

reciprocated, i mean

**Armie**

You mean, do I trust you?

**Armie**

Yeah. I do.

**Timothee**

good :)

**Timothee**

tell me something you’ve never told anyone*

**Timothee**

(*i wont be able to verify, so just tell me something important to you :))

**Armie**

Something I’ve never said out loud?

**Armie**

Okay

**Armie**

I’m glad I got laid off. It might have saved my life.

**Timothee**

then im glad you did too

**Timothee**

but how?

**Armie**

I hated my life.

**Armie**

I hated my job.

**Armie**

I hated most of the people I was in contact with on a daily basis.

**Armie**

Being laid off, and forced into isolation, it...well, it helped me to admit that what I had wasn’t what I wanted. At all. Beyond just the dating thing, I needed to step out of the never ending cycle, decide what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to get rid of.

**Timothee**

when you say you hated your life do you mean like dramatically, or…?

**Timothee**

just wanna know tonally where you are on this before i keep goin

**Armie**

I mean like…

**Armie**

For a long time it was...whatever. I had a job that I was good at, and was making a lot of money, so I could pretend for a long time that it was all good. I could travel, I was respected, I was important (or that was the illusion).

**Armie**

But, shortly before isolation, before things ended with Brian, I had already started to look around every day and wonder how the hell I had let myself get into that life at all. 

**Armie**

I told myself it was fine, and that I was just bored or...in a mood. But I think that if I hadn’t been laid off, it would have slowly turned me into a very different, bitter person. I’m not sure I would have had the courage to admit I didn’t want it anymore and make a change myself.

**Armie**

So I’m grateful for the fucking virus because it fucked up the path I was on and I needed to be on a different one. Which I am now.

**Armie**

Too much? We can talk about ropes again, if you want. ;)

**Timothee**

permission to be blunt as fuck?

**Armie**

You don’t know you already have that permission?

**Armie**

Be blunt

**Timothee**

:) ty

**Timothee**

you said if there’d been no virus, you’d have become a different person

**Timothee**

would that person still be here now?

**Armie**

I thought you were going to be blunt.

**Timothee**

pussied out

**Armie**

To answer your question, I think so?

**Armie**

I probably would have just let myself be miserable forever. I was very good at avoiding thinking about things, and filling my days with lots of activity and distractions.

**Armie**

So I think it would have just killed my soul, and not me. 

**Armie**

Thank you for your concern.

**Armie**

And for asking in general. I feel...lighter, somehow, like I didn’t even know I needed to admit it *to* someone aside from myself in order to let go of it for real.

**Timothee**

well firstly, thank fuck. you scared me.

**Timothee**

secondly, happy it helped. told you wall st was bad news ;)

**Timothee**

imma send corona a gift basket

**Armie**

For real.

**Armie**

So now, here I am...in a much less stressful job, hanging out with the handful of people I did genuinely care about from my old life (they own the company, ha), spending time doing things I want to be doing because they interest me and not because they occupy my time. And figuring out exactly what — and who — else I want to build into my life to stay happy.

**Armie**

Was that important enough? ;)

**Timothee**

nah, go deeper

**Timothee**

:p

**Timothee**

ps enjoy that i interest you (putting myself in there since i have occupied your entire day)

**Armie**

Please, I told you I was interested in you from the first night we chatted in app.

**Armie**

That I found you interesting, I mean.

**Timothee**

you did. lets hope mr sept agrees with you.

**Armie**

If he doesn’t he’s a fucking idiot.

**Armie**

Speaking of which, don’t you have to get ready? When is your date? 

**Armie**

(I feel like this is deja vu lol)

**Timothee**

ooo shit you right

**Timothee**

better go make myself beautiful

**Timothee**

chat later? and thanks for all your openness with me today :)

**Armie**

Make yourself more beautiful, you mean.

**Armie**

Yeah, definitely chat later. I want to hear all about Mr. September.

**Armie**

See you, Timmy.

**Timothee**

peace x

__________________


	12. The Exit Survey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Clients leave Manhuntin for a variety of reasons. The optimal, of course, is that they no longer need us because they’ve found The One! Other reasons include deciding our service isn’t right for them or that their financial situation requires a change in expenses. Whatever the reason, when you see the exit survey come into your inbox, you should be looking for three things: (1) How did the client view their relationship with you; (2) How did the client view the Manhuntin service; and (3) How likely is the client to recommend the service to others._
> 
> _It’s okay to experience a range of emotion — pride, happiness, relief, frustration — upon viewing an exit survey. Try to focus on the things you did to make the client comfortable and their experience positive, and what you can repeat or change in order to serve other clients as well or better._

****

[image text]

**From: Reports @ Manhuntin'**

**To:** **Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
**

The following user(s) have closed their account(s).

t_chalamet

[/image text] 

* * *

  
  


**From: Results @ Manhuntin'**

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)  
  
**

Coach, you’ve done it again!

Congratulations on helping another user find love in the city! Click here for details.

***

**ManHuntin’ Exit Survey**

**Username:** t_chalamet

 **Reason for closure (user selection):** I Made A Match

 **Tell us about your Experience:** to be honest i was skeptical of this whole thing, i didn't think it was possible to meet someone on an app and find a bond with them after one date but… i was wrong. It never would have happened without my coach though - in his capable hands i felt safe enough to let go and push myself back out there and ended up meeting someone who i think is not only a good fit for me, but that i’m an equally good fit for. something i didn't realise the importance of before this experience -- jagged edges and all. :)

 **Rate your Coach (user selection):** 10 - Help and Advice Couldn't Have Been Better! 

* * *

**From: Armie (Snr Coach)**

**To: Nate (CEO)  
  
** Hey, sorry if I came off a little harsh in my last message. I know you’re only trying to look out for me, and I do appreciate it even if I get frustrated and lash out.

I was thinking, and...maybe you’re right. Or, at least, not entirely wrong. If I’m ready to get back out there, then I should keep all my options open, right? What’s the worst that happens?

Tell me a little more about this lawyer, and I promise to be nice to him on Thursday.

Armie


	13. Turning One Success Into Thousands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If your client made a match, take the time to think about what you did to create the right environment for this to happen. Was it in the way you helped the client build their profile? The way you gave them confidence and a positive outlook? Your stellar advice on making conversation, in-app and in-person? Start a journal of your success stories and your assessments of what **you** did right as a coach. You can use these as samples during quarterly reviews and to help you grow your stable of techniques._

**Timothee**

news just in

**Timothee**

apparently there are _two_ 7 oclocks in the day?

**Armie**

The secret is out.

**Armie**

Good morning, during an actual *morning*

**Timothee**

fuck me. mornin'

**Armie**

What has you up so early? Let me guess, you haven’t been to sleep yet.

**Timothee**

haaa no i have

**Timothee**

im full of surprises today

**Timothee**

must be dat post-date hiiiigh

**Armie**

I’ll say. I’m barely awake myself. You caught me in the first look at my phone after opening my eyes.

**Timothee**

thats your morning made then

**Timothee**

what you up to today?

**Armie**

I’ve got an important meeting tomorrow with my bosses, so I plan to spend some time today preparing my presentation for that. Otherwise...I’m thinking about making chinese dumplings for dinner. I suspect my hands might be too big to pull that off so it’s probably going to be a humorous disaster.

**Armie**

You? Are you just going to float in the glow of your amazing date last night?

**Timothee**

something like that :)

**Timothee**

thats crazy, i have an important meeting with my bosses tomorrow too!

**Timothee**

oh no. forgot. im my own boss :p

**Armie**

It’s bittersweet, actually. If this goes well I’ll probably be doing a lot less coaching and a lot more training of other people to be coaches. But that means the company is growing so…

**Timothee**

their success rate will be fucked without you

**Timothee**

but thats cool!

**Armie**

You know, just because you’re your own boss doesn’t mean you can’t have that meeting. Put it on the schedule, offer yourself some coffee, and give yourself a review. Then film the whole thing so I can laugh.

**Timothee**

could do that

**Timothee**

but its risky?

**Timothee**

my boss is a bit of a creep

**Timothee**

hr nightmare

**Timothee**

dont tell anyone but… when were alone he keeps _touching_ me??

**Armie**

Want me to beat him up for you?

**Timothee**

armie if you say things like that i cant keep this PG so…

**Timothee**

i hope your bosses are better behaved ;) 

**Armie**

Marginally so...one of them is trying to set me up with his husband’s work colleague. <eyeroll>

**Timothee**

o rly

**Timothee**

well, maybe you’ll like him?

**Timothee**

surely your friends would know a good match for you when they see one?

**Armie**

Unlikely. They are probably basing it off of who I’ve dated in the past. I’m looking for something else now.

**Armie**

He’s a transactional lawyer, and

**Armie**

Sorry, I fell asleep

**Timothee**

aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha

**Timothee**

armie ive never been prouder

  
  


**Armie**

;)

**Armie**

I’m going to go, though. It’s a group dinner, so low pressure.

**Armie**

And hey, if it’s something I’ll have you to thank for it.

**Timothee**

umm, youre welcome?

**Timothee**

want you to meet someone who makes you happy

**Timothee**

if that ends up a transactional lawyer then... 

**Timothee**

yikes

**Timothee**

lolol jk

**Armie**

Ha

**Armie**

I appreciate that. It’s what I wanted for you.

**Armie**

And it seems like you’ve got it. You woke up early to close your Manhuntin account, that date must have been amazing.

**Timothee**

yeah i did

**Timothee**

yday was _good_ man

**Timothee**

nothin like that first date thank fuck

**Timothee**

and finally meeting someone who just _gets it_ , and gets me was … yeah.

**Timothee**

i mean i figure we see where it goes maybe

**Timothee**

if hes into it

**Timothee**

either way, figure i dont think i need the app anymore?

**Armie**

I’m happy for you.

**Armie**

I knew you’d be great, and it wouldn’t be long before you wouldn’t need me anymore.

**Armie**

:(

**Timothee**

ah dudeee, integral to the process

**Timothee**

stuck with me until that restraining order comes in

**Timothee**

:)

  
  


**Armie**

It’ll be a while then, because I’ve no interest in keeping you a hundred feet from me.

**Armie**

So, tell me about it. If you want. What made it so good?

**Timothee**

well, aside from the fact hes incredibly attractive as we know

**Timothee**

his sense of humor was a plus

**Timothee**

hes both interesting and interested

**Timothee**

he really knew how to make me feel listened to?

**Timothee**

he was disgusted by my last date - could be coerced into murder plot perhaps lolol

**Timothee**

and he was really open about himself and like every story he told me just made me want 100 more??

**Timothee**

couldnt really sleep then last night cos i was just… 

**Timothee**

excited? nervous? both, i dunno. smiling a lot anyway. :)

**Armie**

He’s a lucky guy.

**Armie**

A smart one, too, sounds like.

**Armie**

I guess I can live with sharing you with someone who makes you smile like that

**Armie**

(Kidding)

**Timothee**

he’s sickeningly smart

**Timothee**

has me endlessly fascinated so far

**Timothee**

which is weird cos from the app i didnt really expect that?

**Timothee**

so yeah what you said about taking it to the ‘real world’ quickly is right i think??

**Armie**

I’m glad.

**Armie**

I should probably...I haven’t gotten out of bed yet.

**Timothee**

the last thing i wanna do is deprive you of sleep

**Timothee**

ill let you wake up, lazy bones, and chat in a bit? im at my moms today (date night ritual) so ill be ready for someone to save me later

**Timothee**

mayb ill take this time to be productive. go back to bed. have a meeting with the boss :p

**Timothee**

jk jk

**Timothee**

(not about going back to bed though, id never joke about something that serious)

**Armie**

You’re just down the block? I thought I sensed some chaotic energy nearby.

**Armie**

You can ping me anytime. Who knows, maybe we’ll both run into each other later on the way for coffee. ;)

**Timothee**

chaotic energy hahahaha

**Timothee**

my mom would agree and love you for that

**Armie**

Told you I had a way with the ladies

**Timothee**

lets see if i can make it through a full day without gettin grounded.

**Armie**

Just make sure she doesn’t take your phone away, otherwise I might go into Timmy withdrawal.

**Timothee**

gonna cut you off for a while but ill be back :p

**Armie**

Enjoy your day, and remember: not too many pancakes.

**Timothee**

no room, my mom legit gave me my old pj's to wear without a trace of irony

**Timothee**

age 10-12

**Armie**

She’s looking out for you. ;)

**Timothee**

if she's lookin for any post circumcision trauma evidence she'll be in luck

  
  


* * *

**To: Armie (Snr Coach)**

**From: Nate (CEO)**

No worries, brother. I didn’t mean to overstep with the set up thing.

But I’m glad you’re reconsidering. Marcus is a fun guy. He got season tickets to the Knicks this year and is always asking Jeremiah if he knows anyone who’d want to go. Maybe we could work that in — if you turn out to be interested — and you could set something up that way.

And if you don’t hit it off, no harm done. We haven’t told him about you yet. See, I’m not completely oblivious.

See you tomorrow.

Nate

* * *

**Timothee**

quick quick look out your window theres a fuckin’ naked woman doing some kinda tribal… fuck knows

**Timothee**

im d.e.c.e.a.s.e.d

**Timothee**

what the fuck is on her head??? 

**Armie**

Wait, where? I’m not

**Armie**

OH

**Armie**

Ah, here come the cops

**Timothee**

duuude you totally missed the best part

**Timothee**

hahaah fuck look at him trying not to touch her ahahaaa he will be written up for grazin a tit now just you watch

**Timothee**

Oh

**Timothee**

My

**Timothee**

GOD

**Timothee**

DID YOU JUST-

  
  


**Armie**

Sorry, left my phone upstairs.

**Armie**

That was crazy. You saw me? lol

**Timothee**

dude, hard to miss the giant superhero swooping in with his cape

**Timothee**

what the fuck hahaha

**Timothee**

oh no do you think bad of me now cos i just laughed and didnt help IN ANY WAY?

**Timothee**

(and made popcorn?)

**Armie**

I just happened to have an old blanket on the sofa, no big deal.

**Armie**

I think the cop thought I was coming to cause trouble for a second. Happens when you’re twice as big as they are.

**Timothee**

then he saw what you were doing and realised youre soft as fuck

**Timothee**

fucking _hell_ that was cute.

**Armie**

That’s me, cuter than your average giant.

**Armie**

Guess I’m a witness now, though. They took my information. You want in on this? I could tell them you were watching from the window, we could go to court together.

**Timothee**

wow, that sentence is jarring

**Timothee**

its both New York native AND naive??

**Timothee**

those cops are gonna do _shit_ about what just went down, fyi

**Timothee**

but you hit that romance right on the head with the prospect of a first date in court

**Timothee**

my mind is confused

**Armie**

Well, it wouldn’t have to be our *first* first date. What do you take me for? I mean, I’d at least take you down to the DMV.

**Timothee**

you know the way to a guys heart

**Timothee**

so, what happens now? your day can only go downhill from here, hero.

**Timothee**

(also full disclosure?)

**Armie**

Nah, I’d rather partial disclosure this time, just to mix it up.

**Armie**

(Kidding)

**Timothee**

taking your first answer, partial disclosure it is.

**Timothee**

your tshirt is nice.

**Armie**

Full disclosure, please, since I can’t tell if that’s sarcasm or…?

**Armie**

(Careful this is my favorite shirt)

**Timothee**

think its my favourite too

**Armie**

This old thing?

**Armie**

Care to let me in on why I’ve hit a fashion home run here? Just in case I want to try to do it again sometime.

**Timothee**

‘hey guys, welcome to my youtube channel. in todays video i would like to discuss exhibit b in the case of “men: when a good body will make up for almost anything”

**Armie**

Oh, it’s my favorite show.

**Armie**

(Thank you)

**Armie**

To answer your earlier question, I am now pulling out the ingredients for the dumplings. I’m too wound up to sit back down at the computer and work.

**Timothee**

forgot i asked a question

**Timothee**

but good to know. those hands getting a workout today

**Timothee**

(hope you washed em)

**Armie**

And now that I’m looking at this recipe...it makes like a million of these things. I can probably only eat a hundred thousand or so. Maybe I should save this and make it a night when it’s not just me around here.

**Timothee**

mmm, maybe

**Timothee**

though, you should make them today as practice? for when the time comes?

**Armie**

Maybe you’re right. Too bad it’s not chicken and rice, otherwise I’d tell you to swing by, help a guy out.

**Timothee**

no better man

**Armie**

Bring your mom, we can talk about you and make you blush.

**Timothee**

generally _don't_ bring my mom on dates - bit of a weird flex - but okay?

**Armie**

Oh, is it a date? In that case forget the dumplings. You deserve the best. 

**Armie**

Bubba Gump in Times Square it is. Real NYC experience.

**Timothee**

yes please

**Timothee**

that's like four dates weve banked now, you do know that right? you _are_ keeping note in your psycho murderer handbook?

**Armie**

You know it.

**Armie**

Actually, though, I was half serious. No reason we can’t hang out as friends. Go on friend-dates. I’ll take you wherever you want to go, so if Bubba Gump is too fancy, just tell me. ;) 

**Timothee**

friends, huh

**Armie**

Yeah? Isn’t that what we are?

**Armie**

Or are you-

**Armie**

Sorry, you probably don’t plan to continue

**Armie**

I mean, if I overstepped. Sorry.

**Timothee**

no, no we are friends

**Timothee**

hangin out with you would be cool it's just-

**Timothee**

you've put in so much romantic thought - bubba, the dmv - a guy might get ideas

**Armie**

If you’re impressed with the DMV, wait until I tell you about my plan to invite you over for tax night. We’ll light candles and squint at receipts together. 

**Timothee**

sorry, please wait a moment while I google premature ejaculation

**Timothee**

no, but for real, do u normally do friend dates? are there rules?

**Armie**

I never have before, but for you I would make an exception. I think the only rule is that we have fun. 

**Timothee**

go to cool places, dress well (me) get dressed (you) and have fun.

**Timothee**

sounds achievable if not a bit risky.

**Armie**

Risky?

**Timothee**

mmm yeah risky

**Armie**

Because we’re likely to get into trouble together? Or because of your new guy? No, wait. I’m—confused

**Timothee**

umm, no more like…

**Timothee**

fuck it

**Timothee**

permission to theatrically dance my way over any and all lines?

**Armie**

Timmy, as far as I’m concerned, you can do anything you want.

**Armie**

Dance away.

**Timothee**

bein your friend was never really my goal

**Timothee**

_especially_ if you took me to bubba gump

**Armie**

No. Right. It was a bad choice.

**Armie**

One I am sure Mr. September wouldn't make.

**Timothee**

id be the last to know…

**Armie**

The dude gave you a great night last night. Pretty sure you can rely on him.

**Timothee**

yeah, about that,,.

**Timothee**

i… ummm

**Timothee**

stayed home last night.

**Armie**

Wait

**Armie**

You didn’t go on your date?

**Timothee**

i didnt go on my date

**Armie**

What happened?

**Armie**

I’m a little...in your exit survey, you said you met someone who was a good fit.

**Timothee**

right

**Timothee**

i mean, i didnt _lie_

**Timothee**

either in that survey or to you earlier

  
  


**Armie**

I'm still confused…

**Timothee**

ok so…

**Timothee**

urghhhhhhhtimmywhyareyoulikethis

**Timothee**

okay so signed up to the app just like my friend wanted me to do

**Timothee**

and in the process i met someone fucking incredible

**Timothee**

im not *sure* i used the app the way it was intended (sorry about that) but… um, yeah. 

**Timothee**

you coached me not to settle and only aim for the best (and maybe im paraphrasing that to flatter you :p)

**Timothee**

so… that’s what I am doing. or trying to.

**Armie**

Timmy

**Armie**

Just so we’re being completely clear here

**Armie**

You’re talking about us.

**Armie**

Or am I just wishful thinking?

**Timothee**

well, think i was just talking about _you_ , but _us_ has a nice ring to it

**Armie**

Okay, I…

**Armie**

You do realize I’m not really what you said you were looking for?

**Armie**

If i was, I probably would have said fuck the rules and...whatever, a lot sooner.

**Timothee**

turns out, i didnt know what i was looking for

**Timothee**

know what you’re saying though

**Timothee**

but last night, i just… yesterday, when i thought about going on another date i realised what would be the point

**Timothee**

i’d be there, like i feared before, knowing something potentially better was in my pocket

**Timothee**

cept worse, because not even _potentially_ . just _better_

**Timothee**

and i knew id to risk telling you at some point. just don't think i planned on right now

**Timothee**

so sorry this is all a mess

**Timothee**

but y’know, can't keep running the risk of you being snapped up by some lawyer in a jazzy suit.

**Armie**

The lawyer was never really a risk. I already knew he wouldn’t compare with you.

**Armie**

I’m guessing no one can.

**Timothee**

can you feel the heat of this blush

**Armie**

What about...the other thing?

**Timothee**

other thing?

**Armie**

Remember, I’m vers. You’ve said you only top. Do you think we can be what we both need for each other?

**Armie**

(Shut up, Armie, stop talking him out of it)

**Timothee**

armie armie armie

**Timothee**

is sex all you think about?

**Armie**

Yes.

**Armie**

But go ahead.

**Timothee**

:p

**Timothee**

look i know its an issue

**Timothee**

or was an issue

**Timothee**

or whatever

**Timothee**

but i did a lot of thinking last night. 

**Timothee**

(maaaaybe veered more towards fantasizing in parts but… im just a man)

**Timothee**

and I know what i said before. and what ive done before.

**Timothee**

but in the past i dont think ive been making decisions for the best reasons?

**Timothee**

or with the best people

**Timothee**

i can’t guarantee anything, ive no idea really what i like, or what im into

**Timothee**

but… i think with you i feel… really fucking safe. and if thats not someone to explore these things with, then I don’t know who its supposed to be

**Timothee**

im not afraid of you, armie.

**Timothee**

(though full disclosure - i _am_ afraid of the fact im not afraid, but lets not dwell on that!)

**Armie**

I definitely do NOT want you to change yourself. Not for me and not for anyone.

**Armie**

But

**Armie**

If you’d be willing to explore, then...I’d be honored to explore with you.

**Armie**

What about the ethical issues?

**Timothee**

there's more?

**Armie**

You hired Manhuntin, and I was supposed to help you find a match in our system. Not snap you up for myself. It’s completely against the rules, for good reason. Hell, I _made_ the rules. I am literally working on a document today about this.

**  
Timothee**

as my mom likes to say

**Timothee**

you make em, you can break em?

**Timothee**

(jk. she doesnt beat me)

**Timothee**

anyway thought you were a rule breaker? where’s that free spirit gone?

  
  


**Armie**

I mean, I guess us meeting is in the *spirit* of the app, in finding someone to be authentically yourself with. It’s not our fault that no one in the system is me. ;)

**Timothee**

promise not to tell… ;)

**Armie**

So...what now? Now that we’re breaking rules and exploring things and...

**Timothee**

can i call you

**Armie**

On the phone?

**Armie**

Shut the fuck up Armie, of course on the phone

**Armie**

Yeah

**Timothee**

k, calling...


	14. The App Is Only the First Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Encourage your clients to set up an in-person meeting or talk on the phone before too much time passes. So often, matches that linger too long in the online space never meet, because the longer it’s drawn out, the more intimidating a meeting might be. Let your clients know that they should meet as soon as they see real potential. Then congratulate them once they’ve made the date!_

****

**Armie:** Holy fuck.

**Timothee:** Hey Armie, nice to speak to you for the first time too.

**Armie:** <laugh> Sorry. I’m trying to wrap my head around what’s happening.

**Timothee:** S'ok

**Armie:** Can we backtrack for just a second? Explain again about not going on your date?

**Timothee:** Yeah, I blew him off. Wasn't really interested in going. Fuck, your voice is… man, you should go into-, nevermind. 

**Armie:** My voice is what?

**Timothee:** <mumbles> _ sexy.  _

**Armie:** Thanks...yours too. You sound exactly like I thought you would, by the way. That’s oddly comforting.

**Timothee:** I sound like every other New Yorker you’ve ever met, that's why. <laughs softly> So… yea. That's it.

**Armie:** Ah — well — man, sorry. I am still catching up here…when did you decide that you’re into me — I mean, when did you cancel —

**Timothee:** I cancelled when I told you I cancelled. 

**Armie:** So...on Saturday?

**Timothee:** mmhmm. 

**Armie:** And when did you — Let’s start at the beginning. You signed up for the service, and we talked. You did go out on that first date, right? Las Flores? Or did you make that up too?

**Timothee:** Fuck, no, course I went on that date. I mean, at that point I just found you…- anyway, no I  _ was _ actively trying to meet people. 

**Armie:** Okay. So then we went off app and started talking...you did make the date with the second guy? And then cancel?

**Timothee:** Yeah, but when I cancelled I never rescheduled.

**Armie:** Wow. And here I was, feeling like...I had let something slip through my fingers. You’ve no idea how much it sucked to hear you excited for that date and then how excited you were afterwards...fuck. I wanted to be happy for you, but I was having a hard time not feeling sorry for myself. 

**Timothee:** Instant karma, knowing about your friends tryna set you up with that lawyer guy. Despite all you'd said, I thought you might end up going for it. 

**Armie:** Yeah, I told them I wasn’t into it, but then, when you closed your account, I was almost willing to try.

**Timothee:** Even knowing he could've gotten a pity date out of you made me feel jealous. 

**Armie:** Out of curiosity, if you didn’t hear about the lawyer, how long were you going to let it go on?

**Timothee:** I dunno… I-, are you mad? 

**Armie:** Mad? No. No I'm not. 

**Timothee:** Thank fuck. So guess I assumed if you were into me, I’d know from the way you spoke to me today. Once you thought someone else had-... Y'know. Then I could… figure shit out.

**Armie:** I was definitely into you...and thinking I was maybe going too far, but I <laughs softly> couldn’t seem to help it. I’m glad you figured it out, because I was trying to hide how much I was into you. Didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. 

**Timothee:** I think it's safe to say you never could. As for figuring out, I make dollar outta being able to plan ahead, strategize, execute… sometimes you win, sometimes it gets you killed. I guess, this time I won?

**Armie:** Am I...Am I the prize in this metaphor?

**Timothee:** <laughs> No. Well-, no I mean, you  _ are _ a prize, but that isn’t what I meant. Just, I kinda had the idea you liked me since you asked for my number - and I already knew I liked you, so… figured wouldn’t hurt to test my theory and see if I was right before I flung myself at you.

**Armie:** So you already liked me when — hang on. What would this flinging have entailed? I mean, is it too  _ late _ now for that? Because I think I’d like to see it.

**Timothee:** <giggles> After today’s hero saga? Watch me fling myself in front of  _ many _ dangers from now on.

**Armie:** You already do. Parkour vid, remember? Shit, you bring out every protective instinct I have. Since that first chat.

**Timothee:** <pause> I hope you don’t think I'm a dick, acting like I went on that date by the way. Unlikely I'm the first guy you’ve coached whose ended up falling for you. I wasn't sure how to… 

**Armie:** I don’t think you’re a dick, and I doubt anyone else has been dumb enough to fall for me. 

**Timothee:** Hey! Are you calling me-

**Armie:** Kidding. 

**Timothee:** Good. Wow, you do that “kidding” thing in real life, too, huh? Sick. <laughs>

**Armie:** You weren’t sure how to what?

**Timothee:** What?

**Armie:** You were saying that you hope I don’t think you’re a dick — which I don’t — for letting me think you went on that date. Then you said you “weren’t sure how to…” and trailed off. You weren’t sure how to what? Tell me you were into me?

**Timothee:** Oh. Um, yeah. I guess. But rather, wasn't sure how to make myself stand out? Despite the sense you  _ liked _ me, in that you enjoyed my text-company and thought I was like  _ hotorwhatever _ , I wasn’t sure how to be different from alllll the other guys you come across who undoubtedly want to throw themselves at you, no matter how dumb you think that is. 

**Armie:** Timmy, you stood out from the jump. I told you immediately that if I saw your profile I’d flag it. And not just because of your photos. I don’t do this, you know. I want to be sure you know that.

**Timothee:** Yeah well I don't usually play games like this either, for the record. 

**Armie:** I was truthful when I said I’d never gone off app with anyone before you. I don’t use my job as a way to...to meet people. So, like, in the future, I don’t want you to worry that I’m spending my time flirting with other guys.

**Timothee:** <hums> In the future, huh?

**Armie:** You heard what I said. Now and before. I’m not...I’m not interested in dating. Not if there isn’t potential for it to go somewhere. So if I ask you to come over for dinner tonight...it’s because I hope to have to stock up on chicken and rice for a while.

**Timothee:** <laughs> Wow, that's a new one

**Armie:** What is? My smooth pick up line?

**Timothee:** Meeting someone with an ability to make chicken and rice sound so appealing. My coach would approve of you.

**Armie:** I can ask him. We go way back. Um...I know we addressed this, but I think I’ll feel better if we revisit it now that we can talk. If you need to. 

**Timothee:** Uh-oh. Is it to do with our future photos and how to restyle your three t-shirts so I don't outshine you?

**Armie:** <laughs> I’m pretty sure you’ll outshine me no matter what. No, I just want to make sure about ….you wanting to explore? 

**Timothee:** Right. I’m assuming thats <giggles> _ not _ a problem?

**Armie:** Fuck no…. And we don’t have to rush anything. I’m not going to  _ tackle _ you or something when we meet. But you’re sure?

**Timothee:** I mean, I-, cant make promises? But what you said about trust and everything? I think I…  _ feel _ that. With you. And maybe it’s crazy and when we meet it won’t feel the same but… if it does? Then, yea. And, hey, put tackling back on the table, better safe than sorry… 

**Armie:** Ok then. That’s all I need. So… Fuck it. <coughs> Hey, Timmy? What are you doing tonight?

**Timothee:** Hmmm. Depends how my luck goes when i ask this… Hey, Armie? What are you doing tonight?

**Armie:** I’ve got a date. I’m thinking of inviting him over for dinner, what do you think?

**Timothee:** I think give him a time and he’ll be there?

**Armie:** Six. I need time to go to the market, this asshole has a two ingredient diet.

**Timothee:** He sounds the fucking worst. I bet he’d appreciate it though

**Armie:** He makes up for it by being scorchingly hot. And funny. And smart.

**Timothee:** Ooh, dreamboat. Well, guess he better go, he has an outfit to pick out. Umm, Armie, do me one favour though?

**Armie:** Name it.

**Timothee:** Now that you know, how I feel  _ orwhatever _ , will you re-read what I said to you this morning? About my date? 

**Armie:** Okay.

**Timothee:** Because I meant it. Also…. Thanks. For helping me get back out there and  _ seeing _ me, knowing what I needed and telling me just what to say to get it. Even if I only made it as far as… well, the first guy I met. <giggles> hey, maybe your success rate didn’t take the hit we thought it would afterall. 

**Armie:** _You_ thought. I knew someone would snap you up. I just didn’t think I’d be lucky enough for it to be me. And you’re welcome. I’ll see you — I almost can’t believe I’m saying this — I’ll see you at six.

**Timothee:** Okay. Six it is. 

**Armie:** Six. Do *me* a favor, and don’t be a second late.


	15. Post-script

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short message, post-call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you love us as much as you claim to do, you'll kindly ignore the amended chapter count and assume it is some genius move that we implemented to build suspense and not a result of forgetting to check all document versions before posting. Blame Armie, he wrote the email at the speed of light and we almost missed it.

**From: Armie (Snr Coach)**

**To: Nate (CEO)**

Hey, forget about my last message. Not the part where I apologized, just the part where I said I might be interested in learning more about the lawyer. Sorry for getting your hopes up.

Also, can you change Thursday’s reservation to five people? I’d like to bring a date ;)


	16. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Did you find your man on Manhuntin? We want to hear about it!_  
>  _Write to_ foundmyman@manhuntin.com _and tell us your story. Be sure to share a photo of the happy couple!_

**Timothee**

weird

**Timothee**

i cant smell anything?

**Timothee**

like um my eyes are open?

**Timothee**

so I'm definitely not sleeping

**Timothee**

yet there is a distinct lack of…

**Timothee**

what is it…

**Timothee**

oh yeah. coffee.

**Timothee**

after all i've done for you

**Timothee**

stg hammer, the ice youre on?

**Timothee**

it's thin

**Armie**

Oh look who’s finally awake

**Armie**

It’s chickenrice the great

**Armie**

Hang on a second, I’ve got to respond to this guy.

**Timothee**

'Hang on a sec-'

**Timothee**

hear that? thats the sound of that ice slowly cracking…

**Timothee**

oh no wait im wrong

**Timothee**

that was the sound of the coffee machine

**Timothee**

thank you xo

**Armie**

I am making a second pot because I drank the first one already.

**Armie**

So yes, the appropriate reaction is thank you ;p

**Armie**

This guy is going to make me question my sanity.

**Timothee**

which guy?

**Timothee**

i know you dont be meaning MOI

**Armie**

Well, you too

**Armie**

(Kidding)

**Armie**

This dude who keeps insisting that his dream man has to be an architect. Like what kind of deranged college fantasy is he clinging to here? I helped him connect with a civil engineer, that’s close enough, right? I ask you, why do I bother?

**Timothee**

i dunno… 

**Timothee**

then again, i asked for kid cudi and i ended up with… 

**Armie**

Who is on what kind of ice now?

  
  


**Timothee**

sorry :( mornings aren't my forte

**Timothee**

tell him you’re one?

  
  


**Armie**

Tell him I’m an architect? Architect of love, maybe.

**Armie**

Hey forget I said that, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever said to you.

**Armie**

Waiting for you to walk out the door in 3, 2, 1...

**Timothee**

it's cute that you think *thats* the dumbest thing 

**Timothee**

but yeah tell him you can build him a great bridge to help him get over it

**Armie**

lol

**Timothee**

hey forget i said that, thats the dumbest thing ive ever said to you

**Armie**

So now we’re both delusional.

**Armie**

You want food with your coffee, or are you fasting this morning?

**Timothee**

not hungry

**Timothee**

musta been all the eating out i did last night… ;) 

**Armie**

Funny you mention eating out...because it’s nearly lunchtime, for me.

**Armie**

(Not actually kidding)

**Timothee**

are you saying what i think you’re saying

**Armie**

Your coffee’s nearly ready, your highness. I could bring it to your chambers and you could see for yourself what I’m saying.

**Timothee**

your coffee to soothe my soul

**Timothee**

your tongue to soothe my ass-soul

**Armie**

Did you hear that crash? That was me rolling my eyes so hard I fell over backwards. 

**Timothee**

while you're down there… 

**Armie**

Be there in a minute I have to find the vanilla to put in this coffee because some people are fucking weird.

**Timothee**

you're fucking weird

**Armie**

Never said I wasn’t. Hey, Nate just texted to confirm tonight. I’m telling him yes, right?

**Timothee**

i'm *this* close to getting your mouth on me 

**Timothee**

why'd i wanna leave

**Timothee**

…urgh fine. 

**Timothee**

what time would one have to be ready?

**Armie**

We should leave here at 7

**Armie**

Which means you should plan to be ready by 6:30

**Armie**

So that we can actually leave at 7 after you change your mind at the last minute about what you’re wearing.

**Timothee**

you talk like you know me

**Armie**

Well, I have been taking notes on all of your idiosyncrasies for just over a year now. You tend to waffle about small decisions. 

**Timothee**

ill have you know mr hammer i never go back on my choices

**Timothee**

ok maybe once or twice.

**Timothee**

any more wise cracks out of you and you might be one of them

**Timothee**

(kidding)

**Armie**

Too late, the lease is signed. You’re committed.

**Armie**

But I can make it worth your while for sticking with your (excellent, wise, tasteful) choice in living arrangements.

**Timothee**

nah s'ok, this place has easily been my best life choice

**Timothee**

(the live-in features are just a bonus)

**Armie**

So now I’m thinking I text Nate back and cancel dinner, and instead we stay here all night and break in our new mattress. What do you think?

**Timothee**

armie u already know id love nothing more

**Timothee**

BUT

**Armie**

Sigh

**Timothee**

how else would nate get another night to discuss your year long ‘post covid quaran-tim’? 

**Timothee**

because *that* didnt get old after the first month

**Armie**

You love the “quarant-Tim” joke.

**Armie**

Also, free dinner.

**Timothee**

he knows my boyfriend well

**Armie**

You have a boyfriend? I’m gonna kick his ass. 

**Armie**

I suppose it is nice to let him treat us on our “anniversary.” He still claims he’s responsible for us.

**Timothee**

will we ever tell him we got together before that first meal, or are we gonna let him continue thinking I was wowed over by tales of your youth forever?

**Timothee**

or emboldened by jealousy to be funnier, sexier and more attractive than marcus

**Armie**

Let him live in his delusions, they make him happy.

**Armie**

Were you really jealous of Marcus? 

**Timothee**

i seem to have conned you into a year long committed rship because i can't handle the thought of you being with another human

**Timothee**

so, possibly.

**Armie**

By the way, are you okay with having two anniversaries for the remainder of our existence? One on the actual day we first met in person and one on the day you met Nate?

**Timothee**

only if youre ok with the fact i celebrate the one where i met nate the most?

**Timothee**

least he keeps me sustained… 

**Timothee**

seems im high risk of dying of thirst this morning relying on you

**Timothee**

(kidding, i love you, please don't leave me)

**Armie**

You could have come out here, you didn’t have to lie around in bed like the queen of france waiting on your attendants.

**Timothee**

hmm.. about that...

**Armie**

But I suppose since it’s our fake anniversary, and since I want you to see how much better your life is now that you’ve agreed to live with me…

**Armie**

And since I love you too...I can cater to you a little.

**Armie**

You want oj?

**Timothee**

yes please

**Timothee**

i mean, i honestly would come and make this all myself its just…

**Timothee**

you made other offers earlier and…

**Timothee**

well, youll see for yourself why i shouldnt be left to my own devices

**Timothee**

good call on this bedframe, by the way

**Timothee**

**Armie**

I’m

**Armie**

Fuck it, no oj for you

**Armie**

Coffee and I are on the way.

**Timothee**

huh. look at that. 

**Timothee**

turns out i know _exactly_ what to say

**Timothee**

xo

* * *

**From** : tchalamet

**To** : foundmyman@manhuntin.com

_Reroute_ : armie@manhuntin.com

**Subject** : took the man outta manhattan... 

__________

... straight inta ma heart ♥ 

\- t xo

* * *

  
  
(image with thanks to @estellaestella on tumblr)   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Whilst this is all fiction, we're hopeful that posting is a way towards manifesting a collective real life destiny of freedom and touching random strangers in public again.
> 
> If you have any problems with the images, take it up with ITTechTeam@Manhuntin.com (or, alternatively, let us know.)


End file.
